I didn't get much sleep last night... but I thought a lot about strength, and pain. The world has hurt me so much. The only thing I can really control is myself. So why should I go and hurt myself even more? I know who I am. I KNOW I AM BETTER THAN THAT. I don't need to self injure to feel alive or to alleviate pain. There are better ways. I did a lot of them yesterday.

It helped to be at school today. A little. I saw Amanda three times but couldn't talk to her. I kept ducking behing people or water fountains. I don't understand why, I just couldn't. But being distracted kept my mind off of the pain. Just as being busy will do. When I am alone, drving in my car, it comes back and I start crying... but at least I have avoided crying in front of anyone. It's just hte alloneness and stillness that hurts, when I start remembering again. I have pictures of her all over...

I keep thinking that if I hadn't loved her, then it wouldn't hurt this badly. But love is worth it. Love is always worth it no matter what horrible pain I am going through right now. And my demons can no longer control me. Because I have a life now and I know what I am capable of and I won't settle for less any longer.

I was looking at pictures of our new puppy. Her name is Zoe. She's really cute. She's coming next Wednesday. It will be hard... but it will help too, I think.

Sometime I'll post a pictures of her. Zoe, I mean. She looks like Sasha. Maybe even cuter. But nothing can EVER replace Sasha.