Well another catatonic day...

Mr. Cooper read us this quote in English class: "If a child lives with approval, he learns to live with himself" (Dorothy Law Nolts). We talked about how this was obvious, but powerful, and although he said it was obvious, something that I've never really thought about started dawning on me at that moment and grew in intensity all through debate practice and finally clarified itself as I was drivnig home:

It's not going to happen quickly, or immediately, or even soon.

I desperately need self-confidence in all areas of my life. And I have been assuming that I am doing something wrong, and that to be self-confident all I have to do is change one thing, and I will have confidence. But I'm beginning to realize that's not true. I want confidence for debate, but the next time I go into a debate round I will not be miraculously confident. I need confidence for tennis, but the next match I play I won't suddenly have it. Not for music performances either, or for all of those big things.

My whole childhood I was torn apart. My mind developed to believe that there was something inherently wrong with me, some flaw I should have been able to fix but couldn't. Others told me I was stupid and things were my fault and I believed them, with that belief of a child. And I learned to hate myself, and to believe that I was not worthy, and that I was not deserving of anything, and that I would never be good enough or smart enough or anything, and that everyone else was somehow better than me. And those sort of mindsets don't just disappear randomly because I need to win a debate tournament or hit a good forehand or land a perfect shift. These mindsets, no matter how much I now wish they'd go away, stay with me.

So I think that it begins with the little things. Every day confidence, believing in myself in class to say something that isn't stupid, and not being afraid to ask questions. Not letting people walk all over me. It starts with these things and slowly becomes the big ones. I will debate all year this year, play tennis matches, perform. I will probably never be really self-confident. But each time, I'll be a little more confident than the last.

And I think that what I never realized (idealistic thinking I suppose) was that it's going to take a long time to undo sixteen years worth of damage. What has happened to me cannot be rectified but some single, simple action.

But after these years, after this progression, after all of this, there will come a day when my existance, and only that, will be enough to validate my emotions, my personality, my life, and I will no longer need these feelings of inadequacy.