It's odd, how happy I am really. I am still depressed in some ways, but it is normal, teenage depression that comes with the constantly complicated world of boys and friendships. I was angry today, very, but it is just healthy anger that is finally coming out of the overflowing well inside me where I've been stuffing it for years.
If you think about it, analyze it, I have been happy these first few months for the first time EVER in my life. I have had brief moments of happiness, but nothing like this. All my meds work, bipolar is under control, anxiety is under control, OCD is totally under control, DID is just doing whatever it wants to I won't try to feel bad about the divisions in me. It has been almost eight months since I last truly cut, intending to not cut again, and I can eat 1200 calories a day without gaining weight (as opposed to 450 last February).
I am healthy, and happy, and although I haven't been getting a ton of sleep I feel pretty good all the time. Depression is what always made me exhausted anyway, and now it is gone.

Oh my gosh, I was so scared my whole life of this, of happiness. So scared I avoided it, did everything possible to never have to deal with it. I thought I wasn't capable of it. It's funny how one amazing summer and a few good decisions have brought me here, uncharted territory, happiness. And you know what? Although sometimes I miss the depression, the bulimia, the self injury (I won't lie), for the most part I'm pretty dang happy with being happy. It feels so nice. It's been hard, but I am capable of it, and I can live a good life.

In the end, to emerge from all of it, to emerge from it as a butterfly and not some ugly worm like I once was, to emerge from darkness with confidence, with happiness, with an emotional vitality and unbreakable will to survive, is what proves they have not controlled me, is what proves I proved them wrong, all of them, defied all their insults and abuse with this one single, massive insult that I have become: I am happy, I am healthy, so freaking there.

In the end, I beat you.