Today was slightly better. Not quite as many crazy things going on, but a definitely imbalance, and a definite feeling that something was... wrong. I keep having these random moments of really deep suicidal depression, and the next I am laughing my head off and feeling so happy...

My mom has this really deep resentment towards my therapist, which makes sharing any sort of progress with her difficult. My mom thinks my therapist is taking over her role as mother, and that if "Terry says it" I'll do it.

Isn't this a good thing? Me finally opening up to her? Because it took almost ten years (I started with this therapist when I was seven... before that I had some weird guy that I remember feeling really uncomfortable with). Because without my therapist there's no way I'd be as happy as I am right now (well, usually am on days when I am not a hurtling human rollercoaster).

My mom resents her, deep down, we both know, for having her call social services, for having her move out... my mom knows what she was doing was wrong, but still, illogically she resents her. It sucks.

My new dog is coming tonight. We're picking her up at the airport at 11 p.m. I'm really apprehensive. Although I wasn't as psychotic today, I was extremely anxious, like really, really panicky. I hate feeling like that. I just started this new med, Buspar, for anxiety, and it's supposed to take a while to help. My psychiatrist was going to put me on Xanax, which my mom is on, but he said he wanted that to be a second option because it's so addictive. I'll say. I'm already addicted to it and I only take it every once in a while, stealing my mom's. It works, FAST. In fact I think I'll take one tonight so I'm better tomorrow...

Then again, I recognize myself becoming dependant on a drug I am definitely not prescribed, which is probably not a good thing, especially since I want more and more, make this anxiety and panic go away... maybe it would be good to go on Xanax so I would be able to take it all the time instead of randomly, in increasing dosages.

Hmm... I wonder why the notion that I am (and have been for a while, I know) abusing drugs STILL doesn't really bother me...