I thought I could handle it... those boys behind me all talking about getting stoned... everyone so braindead and stupid... (I don't mean to be mean about them, but I just don't get how they can not understand things or not care about learning at all).
I thought I could do it even though all period I felt this clawing inside me, this horrible feeling, mainly like panic, like this huge panic was welling up inside of me. And then we did this thing where we said something interesting about ourselves, and everyone said, "I worked over the summer", and this cheerleader said, "I color-coordinate my closet", and I said, "I love debate and reading philosophy" and everyone stared at me. Just like in money management yesterday when I said I wanted to maybe be a quantum physicist... they just stared. Like people like me only exist on TV. And I knew, in American history, with everyone staring at me like I was an alien, I couldn't do it.
I switched into AP American history during lunch. Matt can always help me. He's so brilliant at history. But now I have three humongous history books and like sixty (literally) pages to read from text books over the weekend. But I just heaved this huge inner sigh of relief. I guess I'm just too cut out for honors to ever be happy in a class full of stoners and cheerleaders.
In history today we took these personality tests though (before we did that interesting fact thing), and my answers ALL pointed towards rational, analytical, systematic, debating, critical, cynical etc. Basically, me. And it had a list of people with that personality type, and there were a bunch of philosophers on it... Ayn Rand, Nietzsche, Aristotle, and Hume. I thought that was interesting. But then they had these other people that they called the "Dionysans". And I thought those were the people Nietzsche was advocating, but they were the artisans, who I thought Nietzsche didn't totally like... I guess he liked them better than scientists anyway. Well I asked the teacher about that and everyone stared at me again. Intellegence is very rare in that classroom I think. But in bio today we were talking about innate behaviors (crying etc.) and I asked if violence was an innate behavior or learned. That was a cool discussion. We eventually decided that that first act of violence is innate, but the rest is learned, because someone realizes the effectiveness... sort of a trial and error. I'm still wondering if kissing is innate or learned though (I didn't dare ask), becuase if it's sexual it's innate but if it's a sign of affection like calling someone "honey" then it is learned.
In English today we got this quote: "There are things you should learn. Your past is a skeleton walking one step behind you, and your futures is a skeleton walking one step in front of you. Maybe you don't wear a watch, but your skeletons do, and they always know what time it is. Now these skeletons are made up of memories, dreams, and voices, and these can tell you the in-between, between touching and becoming. But, no matter what they do, keep walking, keep moving. And don't wear a watch... see, it is always now... the past, the future, all of it is wrapped up in the now. That's how we are, always trapped in the now." And I thought that was a really, really interesting quote. It means... you can never reach the future or the past. They don't even exist. All that concretely exists is the now. The future and the past exist entirely as structures of the mind. Which makes them possible to manipulate, as a part of ourselves, if we ever realize that we can... but we cannot live for the past, or for the future. Because they will NEVER exist. Then we are living in a dream world, in a fictional place, in the inconsistencies of our minds... all that is real is the now. And that is the only time we will gain real (not imagined or created) satisfaction to live for.
A lot of things in my life lately have all been pointing me towards this... this concept of the now being the only unchangable, constant, reliable thing, and the past and the future being malleable figments of... not our imagination... our experience I suppose. What is that immaterial part of the mind that Aristotle talks about that makes the only flaw in a material world? How can physical things like brain cells and seratonin combine into this fantastic dance and produce something... something what? Something... immaterial? It's amazing. It's... making nothing out of something. Or maybe the other way around. It's so hard to put into words. It's so... weird.
A lot of people don't realize these things I am beginning to figure out. Maybe that means I have a power to change my past and future. I understand they are not concrete. I understand that they are controlled and producted by my mind. How, I don't understand... how immateriality comes to exist.
Anyway, I love my classes this year because we can have all of these philosophical discussions (even if some people do view me as a debate freak who can't handle stupid people or easy classes). In every class but money management there are intelligent teachers willing to be all introspective with me. And that's what I've always dreamed of. And money management will be okay because Sam transferred into it. And we took a pretest today and my gosh I know NOTHING about credit cards or loans or interest or house payments and all that stuff. I think I got a 10% on that test, if not lower.
But I think this year will be better because I can think. And that keeps me engaged and interested. And I don't have to be scared of asking cool questions or saying smart things.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment