I deserve to be happy too

So I didn't get my math test yet, but I think I did okay, probably in the 93-95% range. That's kinda sad, but I can live with it.
History test this morning was really hard. The essay questions/fill-in-the-blank/define this questions were easy, but the supposedly objective multiple choice questions didn't seem very objective to me. They seemed rather confusing and subjective. And everyone else agreed... no one thinks they did great on this. I'm pretty sure I failed (and by that I mean probably about a 85-90%).
AP bio... wow I really need to study.
I'm essentially in three college classes this year, and it's starting to get to me, all the tests, homework, studying. I am most upset because I don't have as much time to read now. I love reading so much. Screw sleep. I just want to read.

Anyway about my mother. I see everyone's point. None of what she is doing is my fault. I have to realize that I have never caused her to do anything she did to me. I was just... a punching bag. Somewhere to put her anger. Well I still am. Anyway, my point is, I really want to stop letting her affect me. She can be so wonderful; I want to focus on the good side of her. I love her a lot. And I don't hate her. I feel hatred towards her at times, but I really don't hate her.

But what do I do? How do I try to keep moving our relationship towards something positive? I can't change her. I know that. So how can our relationship change if she won't change? Well, she will change in some respects... she's stopped hitting me and such. And she's WAY WAY WAY nicer to me now and healthy than she was a few years ago. I give her mega credit for that.

She's one of those people everyone's at least slightly afraid of... all of my friends are. Once when I was in seventh grade I was at a sewing lesson, which my mom's best friend was teaching, and we were talking about her, and my mom's best friend said that as much as she loved my mom (and she did, they were really close), she was also terrified of her. There is this part of my mom... this intense, dark part that I don't want to try to penetrate.

Well here's the thing. My life so far has just been a really long attempt to make my mother happy, make her not be mean to me, etc. I think now I need to just start learning to ignore the bad things she does, and work on making myself happy. I'm more important to me in the long run anyway. I deserve to be happy.