How will I sleep tonight, with everything happening, with all these nightmares pounding in my head, with something severed I can't find and don't know how to fix anyway... how will I ever sleep again the way I did last night like a brick trying so hard to escape from the world. I can't stop thinking about everything...
I tried watching Finding Nemo, and I couldn't even laugh at Dory, it just made me hurt I forgot how badly things can hurt... these things happen, and they're not really what happened so long ago, but they feel like they are, your mind can't tell the difference after a while, and everything from back then starts creeping from the past into the now, where it can be real, where it can eat you alive.
Oh gosh I think I feel suicidal it's been so long since I felt like this I even took the pills this morning I just kept edging away from everyone I think that if you touched me right now I would become something unspeakable something that cannot be allowed in a world like this, no matter how horrible things are when you go to sleep at night. At least you can sleep. I'll sit here and I don't know what I'll do I need to escape I'm being devoured. I need someone with me and I'm all alone and the only people that understand are separated from me by an unbreakable film. That's good I hope it protects them from the horror I create.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Something has happened. I have curled back into myself, lost. All day at church I felt like crying, felt the tears burn, and was ashamed of them and how dirty they were, how dirty I am, how horrible for being concrete when I needed so badly to stop something.
I have disconnected. I am floating away. It is raining big drops and I am floating away again and everything is going numb and the world is white noise muffled by raindrops.
I have disconnected. I am floating away. It is raining big drops and I am floating away again and everything is going numb and the world is white noise muffled by raindrops.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
teenage angst
I'm going to read all day today. It will be my last chance, really. From here on out it's all frantic homework and sleepless nights for nine months. Well at least I'm interested in it all.
I've been thinking about myself. I've never really fit in. I've had a lot of friends always, especially since middle school, but when I am with them there is a disconnection, something in the way. Maybe because I think so much, am so sensitive, and read so much. Maybe because I am afraid of getting close to people. But nobody's really understood me until this year, and most of my friends, though they love me dearly and I love them, seem miles and miles away.
I wonder if I will ever find a place to fit in. I fit in with my debate friends, because they are so smart and think about the things that I think about. I fit in pretty well with my boyfriend for that reason. But where will I possibly fit in the world? And what is so wrong with me that I cannot fit in?
I've been thinking about myself. I've never really fit in. I've had a lot of friends always, especially since middle school, but when I am with them there is a disconnection, something in the way. Maybe because I think so much, am so sensitive, and read so much. Maybe because I am afraid of getting close to people. But nobody's really understood me until this year, and most of my friends, though they love me dearly and I love them, seem miles and miles away.
I wonder if I will ever find a place to fit in. I fit in with my debate friends, because they are so smart and think about the things that I think about. I fit in pretty well with my boyfriend for that reason. But where will I possibly fit in the world? And what is so wrong with me that I cannot fit in?
Friday, September 02, 2005
why I will like school this year...
I thought I could handle it... those boys behind me all talking about getting stoned... everyone so braindead and stupid... (I don't mean to be mean about them, but I just don't get how they can not understand things or not care about learning at all).
I thought I could do it even though all period I felt this clawing inside me, this horrible feeling, mainly like panic, like this huge panic was welling up inside of me. And then we did this thing where we said something interesting about ourselves, and everyone said, "I worked over the summer", and this cheerleader said, "I color-coordinate my closet", and I said, "I love debate and reading philosophy" and everyone stared at me. Just like in money management yesterday when I said I wanted to maybe be a quantum physicist... they just stared. Like people like me only exist on TV. And I knew, in American history, with everyone staring at me like I was an alien, I couldn't do it.
I switched into AP American history during lunch. Matt can always help me. He's so brilliant at history. But now I have three humongous history books and like sixty (literally) pages to read from text books over the weekend. But I just heaved this huge inner sigh of relief. I guess I'm just too cut out for honors to ever be happy in a class full of stoners and cheerleaders.
In history today we took these personality tests though (before we did that interesting fact thing), and my answers ALL pointed towards rational, analytical, systematic, debating, critical, cynical etc. Basically, me. And it had a list of people with that personality type, and there were a bunch of philosophers on it... Ayn Rand, Nietzsche, Aristotle, and Hume. I thought that was interesting. But then they had these other people that they called the "Dionysans". And I thought those were the people Nietzsche was advocating, but they were the artisans, who I thought Nietzsche didn't totally like... I guess he liked them better than scientists anyway. Well I asked the teacher about that and everyone stared at me again. Intellegence is very rare in that classroom I think. But in bio today we were talking about innate behaviors (crying etc.) and I asked if violence was an innate behavior or learned. That was a cool discussion. We eventually decided that that first act of violence is innate, but the rest is learned, because someone realizes the effectiveness... sort of a trial and error. I'm still wondering if kissing is innate or learned though (I didn't dare ask), becuase if it's sexual it's innate but if it's a sign of affection like calling someone "honey" then it is learned.
In English today we got this quote: "There are things you should learn. Your past is a skeleton walking one step behind you, and your futures is a skeleton walking one step in front of you. Maybe you don't wear a watch, but your skeletons do, and they always know what time it is. Now these skeletons are made up of memories, dreams, and voices, and these can tell you the in-between, between touching and becoming. But, no matter what they do, keep walking, keep moving. And don't wear a watch... see, it is always now... the past, the future, all of it is wrapped up in the now. That's how we are, always trapped in the now." And I thought that was a really, really interesting quote. It means... you can never reach the future or the past. They don't even exist. All that concretely exists is the now. The future and the past exist entirely as structures of the mind. Which makes them possible to manipulate, as a part of ourselves, if we ever realize that we can... but we cannot live for the past, or for the future. Because they will NEVER exist. Then we are living in a dream world, in a fictional place, in the inconsistencies of our minds... all that is real is the now. And that is the only time we will gain real (not imagined or created) satisfaction to live for.
A lot of things in my life lately have all been pointing me towards this... this concept of the now being the only unchangable, constant, reliable thing, and the past and the future being malleable figments of... not our imagination... our experience I suppose. What is that immaterial part of the mind that Aristotle talks about that makes the only flaw in a material world? How can physical things like brain cells and seratonin combine into this fantastic dance and produce something... something what? Something... immaterial? It's amazing. It's... making nothing out of something. Or maybe the other way around. It's so hard to put into words. It's so... weird.
A lot of people don't realize these things I am beginning to figure out. Maybe that means I have a power to change my past and future. I understand they are not concrete. I understand that they are controlled and producted by my mind. How, I don't understand... how immateriality comes to exist.
Anyway, I love my classes this year because we can have all of these philosophical discussions (even if some people do view me as a debate freak who can't handle stupid people or easy classes). In every class but money management there are intelligent teachers willing to be all introspective with me. And that's what I've always dreamed of. And money management will be okay because Sam transferred into it. And we took a pretest today and my gosh I know NOTHING about credit cards or loans or interest or house payments and all that stuff. I think I got a 10% on that test, if not lower.
But I think this year will be better because I can think. And that keeps me engaged and interested. And I don't have to be scared of asking cool questions or saying smart things.
I thought I could do it even though all period I felt this clawing inside me, this horrible feeling, mainly like panic, like this huge panic was welling up inside of me. And then we did this thing where we said something interesting about ourselves, and everyone said, "I worked over the summer", and this cheerleader said, "I color-coordinate my closet", and I said, "I love debate and reading philosophy" and everyone stared at me. Just like in money management yesterday when I said I wanted to maybe be a quantum physicist... they just stared. Like people like me only exist on TV. And I knew, in American history, with everyone staring at me like I was an alien, I couldn't do it.
I switched into AP American history during lunch. Matt can always help me. He's so brilliant at history. But now I have three humongous history books and like sixty (literally) pages to read from text books over the weekend. But I just heaved this huge inner sigh of relief. I guess I'm just too cut out for honors to ever be happy in a class full of stoners and cheerleaders.
In history today we took these personality tests though (before we did that interesting fact thing), and my answers ALL pointed towards rational, analytical, systematic, debating, critical, cynical etc. Basically, me. And it had a list of people with that personality type, and there were a bunch of philosophers on it... Ayn Rand, Nietzsche, Aristotle, and Hume. I thought that was interesting. But then they had these other people that they called the "Dionysans". And I thought those were the people Nietzsche was advocating, but they were the artisans, who I thought Nietzsche didn't totally like... I guess he liked them better than scientists anyway. Well I asked the teacher about that and everyone stared at me again. Intellegence is very rare in that classroom I think. But in bio today we were talking about innate behaviors (crying etc.) and I asked if violence was an innate behavior or learned. That was a cool discussion. We eventually decided that that first act of violence is innate, but the rest is learned, because someone realizes the effectiveness... sort of a trial and error. I'm still wondering if kissing is innate or learned though (I didn't dare ask), becuase if it's sexual it's innate but if it's a sign of affection like calling someone "honey" then it is learned.
In English today we got this quote: "There are things you should learn. Your past is a skeleton walking one step behind you, and your futures is a skeleton walking one step in front of you. Maybe you don't wear a watch, but your skeletons do, and they always know what time it is. Now these skeletons are made up of memories, dreams, and voices, and these can tell you the in-between, between touching and becoming. But, no matter what they do, keep walking, keep moving. And don't wear a watch... see, it is always now... the past, the future, all of it is wrapped up in the now. That's how we are, always trapped in the now." And I thought that was a really, really interesting quote. It means... you can never reach the future or the past. They don't even exist. All that concretely exists is the now. The future and the past exist entirely as structures of the mind. Which makes them possible to manipulate, as a part of ourselves, if we ever realize that we can... but we cannot live for the past, or for the future. Because they will NEVER exist. Then we are living in a dream world, in a fictional place, in the inconsistencies of our minds... all that is real is the now. And that is the only time we will gain real (not imagined or created) satisfaction to live for.
A lot of things in my life lately have all been pointing me towards this... this concept of the now being the only unchangable, constant, reliable thing, and the past and the future being malleable figments of... not our imagination... our experience I suppose. What is that immaterial part of the mind that Aristotle talks about that makes the only flaw in a material world? How can physical things like brain cells and seratonin combine into this fantastic dance and produce something... something what? Something... immaterial? It's amazing. It's... making nothing out of something. Or maybe the other way around. It's so hard to put into words. It's so... weird.
A lot of people don't realize these things I am beginning to figure out. Maybe that means I have a power to change my past and future. I understand they are not concrete. I understand that they are controlled and producted by my mind. How, I don't understand... how immateriality comes to exist.
Anyway, I love my classes this year because we can have all of these philosophical discussions (even if some people do view me as a debate freak who can't handle stupid people or easy classes). In every class but money management there are intelligent teachers willing to be all introspective with me. And that's what I've always dreamed of. And money management will be okay because Sam transferred into it. And we took a pretest today and my gosh I know NOTHING about credit cards or loans or interest or house payments and all that stuff. I think I got a 10% on that test, if not lower.
But I think this year will be better because I can think. And that keeps me engaged and interested. And I don't have to be scared of asking cool questions or saying smart things.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
hmph
Remarkably, I am still alive. The first day of school is always the most boring. Also, I don't think it's hit me yet, not really. It still feels like a camp I'm going to. It will be over in a week and then I will go back to sleeping in and sitting around at coffee shops with random people for days on end. It feels so unreal to me, that I have like 180 (79?) days left of this.
I really like all my teachers, especially my English teacher. He is really, really, really good. I could tell I was going to love his class after ten minutes. He is definitely not an idiot like my old English teacher. And I have the same math teacher as last year... I like him a lot. And also I have a new chem teacher, he's really loud and scary, kind of like my mom, but Shauna's in that class with me so I'll survive, and at some point Amanda's student teaching. American history I have with a bunch of stoners... the boys behind me were going on the whole time about how many MIP's they got this summer, like it's some sort of contest to see who can get the most. It looks like it's going to be really easy. I'm tempted (very tempted) to switch into AP, no matter how hard it is, but I realize that it'll be a challenge to me to allow myself to not be challenged. Also my money management class will be easy, but looking at the course syllabus (sp?) I think it will help me a lot, because I'm rather clueless when it comes to finances.
I got into all-state orchestra playing bass... the weird thing is Mallory and Shauna didn't get in on violin, and some people that are not as good as them did. It's horrible how random the world is, and how unfair auditions can be, if you're having an off-day. Shauna/Mallory are consistently really good... the people that got in just had a random brilliant, lucky day of playing. It's what we all pray for.
I have a lot of friends in my classes which will help a lot. Except for US history... but I've already sort of made a friend in there, an aquaintance I had who also has no friends in there. And the teacher's really nice.
Today after school I had to get this pathetic $106.75 math text book at the Carroll bookstore, and it's only the first of three math books I'll need this year. And it's not even hardcover. Pathetic.
Also I had to take my calculator back to Staples (who took it back bless their hearts) because Carroll has to be all elite, and require Voyager 200's, even if they're the same freaking thing as the TI-89 titaniums. Pathetic, all of it... man college is so expensive. And I got this class for a third of the student price, and it was 1000 something... but if I actually went to Carroll, I could get a scholarship and not have to pay for it.
Mr. George, my math teacher, told me though that becuase I'm so advanced in math and I have a 4.0 and I'm involved in activities and I am taking AP classes and I scored pretty high on the ACT that I will probably get a full ride scholarship no matter where I go (unless it's like MIT or some other place I actually want to go), which is nice.
Well... school could have been worse. The world only half ended. I really think it will be better than last year though because I really like all my teachers, and I'm really interested in everything I'm taking.
We're dissecting cats the whole second semester of bio 2 though... I couldn't even handle the frogs last year, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
And in May I have to take the AP bio test. Maybe I will take the AP American History test and just randomly study like crazy right before hand without taking the AP class... I don't know.
I must get back to glaring at this expensive math book that probably cost 10 dollars to publish.
I really like all my teachers, especially my English teacher. He is really, really, really good. I could tell I was going to love his class after ten minutes. He is definitely not an idiot like my old English teacher. And I have the same math teacher as last year... I like him a lot. And also I have a new chem teacher, he's really loud and scary, kind of like my mom, but Shauna's in that class with me so I'll survive, and at some point Amanda's student teaching. American history I have with a bunch of stoners... the boys behind me were going on the whole time about how many MIP's they got this summer, like it's some sort of contest to see who can get the most. It looks like it's going to be really easy. I'm tempted (very tempted) to switch into AP, no matter how hard it is, but I realize that it'll be a challenge to me to allow myself to not be challenged. Also my money management class will be easy, but looking at the course syllabus (sp?) I think it will help me a lot, because I'm rather clueless when it comes to finances.
I got into all-state orchestra playing bass... the weird thing is Mallory and Shauna didn't get in on violin, and some people that are not as good as them did. It's horrible how random the world is, and how unfair auditions can be, if you're having an off-day. Shauna/Mallory are consistently really good... the people that got in just had a random brilliant, lucky day of playing. It's what we all pray for.
I have a lot of friends in my classes which will help a lot. Except for US history... but I've already sort of made a friend in there, an aquaintance I had who also has no friends in there. And the teacher's really nice.
Today after school I had to get this pathetic $106.75 math text book at the Carroll bookstore, and it's only the first of three math books I'll need this year. And it's not even hardcover. Pathetic.
Also I had to take my calculator back to Staples (who took it back bless their hearts) because Carroll has to be all elite, and require Voyager 200's, even if they're the same freaking thing as the TI-89 titaniums. Pathetic, all of it... man college is so expensive. And I got this class for a third of the student price, and it was 1000 something... but if I actually went to Carroll, I could get a scholarship and not have to pay for it.
Mr. George, my math teacher, told me though that becuase I'm so advanced in math and I have a 4.0 and I'm involved in activities and I am taking AP classes and I scored pretty high on the ACT that I will probably get a full ride scholarship no matter where I go (unless it's like MIT or some other place I actually want to go), which is nice.
Well... school could have been worse. The world only half ended. I really think it will be better than last year though because I really like all my teachers, and I'm really interested in everything I'm taking.
We're dissecting cats the whole second semester of bio 2 though... I couldn't even handle the frogs last year, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
And in May I have to take the AP bio test. Maybe I will take the AP American History test and just randomly study like crazy right before hand without taking the AP class... I don't know.
I must get back to glaring at this expensive math book that probably cost 10 dollars to publish.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
I don't know what's wrong with me tonight... I'm so worried about school that I guess everything else is coming out too... I just keep remembering...
oral sex without consent is considered rape, at least in idaho. i had that question for a long time (is it rape?) and then when i was at my leadership camp in june, they answered it. i guess a part of me believed that as long as it remained unanswered, it wasn't rape.
why does this matter so much to me? it's just one more rape. i had plenty. maybe because it was my brother. and i love him so much. maybe it just feels even worse than the rest.
ugh i need to go to bed and stop thinking. but i think tonight will be a nightmare night and i hate dreaming about sex, i never dream about it the way my friends do.
oral sex without consent is considered rape, at least in idaho. i had that question for a long time (is it rape?) and then when i was at my leadership camp in june, they answered it. i guess a part of me believed that as long as it remained unanswered, it wasn't rape.
why does this matter so much to me? it's just one more rape. i had plenty. maybe because it was my brother. and i love him so much. maybe it just feels even worse than the rest.
ugh i need to go to bed and stop thinking. but i think tonight will be a nightmare night and i hate dreaming about sex, i never dream about it the way my friends do.
Mt. St. Helens
It's funny how quietly horrible things begin or end... how subtly something wonderful like summer can slip into something hideous like school... how it can end with coffee (or rather vanilla creme frappacino, without coffee), with pizza at the Mediterranean Grill, with all of us in a car and me buying gas (my gosh it's already gone up... good thing I got it today).
We were talking... it's not school we hate. If all we did was go to school and then come home every day that would be fine... it's the homework, the stress, the tests, the sports, the lessons, everything just building and building like Mt. St. Helen's and pretty soon... wow, what an eruption.
I feel so hollow. I don't dread school. I dread what it brings. Kind of like the way I dread college. And it is beginning and ending with the small things that happen every day... pretty soon I will go run my usual two miles, wash my face, brush my teeth, battle again with the splintery floss that likes my teeth better than the garbage can, take a xanax, and go to sleep. And it will end and begin like that... 12.5 hours to the end of the world, no explosions, just the small things like a bad hair day and a great time to break out.
Little things make me happy, make me sad, make me angry, make me depressed, make me crazy...
Little things, it's all the little things.
We were talking... it's not school we hate. If all we did was go to school and then come home every day that would be fine... it's the homework, the stress, the tests, the sports, the lessons, everything just building and building like Mt. St. Helen's and pretty soon... wow, what an eruption.
I feel so hollow. I don't dread school. I dread what it brings. Kind of like the way I dread college. And it is beginning and ending with the small things that happen every day... pretty soon I will go run my usual two miles, wash my face, brush my teeth, battle again with the splintery floss that likes my teeth better than the garbage can, take a xanax, and go to sleep. And it will end and begin like that... 12.5 hours to the end of the world, no explosions, just the small things like a bad hair day and a great time to break out.
Little things make me happy, make me sad, make me angry, make me depressed, make me crazy...
Little things, it's all the little things.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
I started this blog to help myself, but also to try to make a difference, to put this crap out there... But it is so random, such a tiny corner of an immense cyberspace universe... how can I possibly make any sort of difference in the world? Even if I do publish my books (on my to-do list, I swear I'll get on it) they probably won't get famous or widespread. I just feel like having been through all that I have I have a responsibility to share what I've learned...
The world is so so big... and there are so many little girls and women getting raped or beaten right now, and it seems like there's no way to stop this silent pandemic, and it feels so hopeless, so sick... it's all in the shadows and so many people have been hurt. When I actually have opened up with some people, it's been amazing to me... the crap we all go through and never tell anyone...
why? why why why? and why can't anyone stop it? and why does it have to eat us from the inside out? and when will we learn to help each other and talk about it and stop making it so secret, so devastating...
The world is so so big... and there are so many little girls and women getting raped or beaten right now, and it seems like there's no way to stop this silent pandemic, and it feels so hopeless, so sick... it's all in the shadows and so many people have been hurt. When I actually have opened up with some people, it's been amazing to me... the crap we all go through and never tell anyone...
why? why why why? and why can't anyone stop it? and why does it have to eat us from the inside out? and when will we learn to help each other and talk about it and stop making it so secret, so devastating...
Monday, August 29, 2005
sorry, philosophical post
I've gone on a diet. We're going to write everything down... regain some control. But anyway my mom said as part of my diet I need to drink 48 oz. of water a day... so I was upstairs, and I decided to get most of it over with, and I drank 32 oz. of water without stopping to breathe, then immediately ran to the bathroom and threw up. I swear I didn't mean to throw up, and somehow I think that's not how water's supposed to help me lose weight. But a part in the back of my mind was very delighted to know there is a way other than overdosing to make myself throw up. I'm trying to ignore it though.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately. (I'm pretty sure I think way too much than is good for me). My problem is that when I'm having fun, when I'm with my friends and I feel like a part of something, or with Matt... this sadness washes over me, because I know that the next day it will have already begun to fade, and it will be just another painful memory, because I will know that it's over. It's hard to look at life this way, as a succession of moments, hours, and days that I will come to miss so badly it will hurt. It almost seems like it's not worth being happy, because someday that happiness will have to be remembered, and it will ache, that memory. How can I live every day, every moment, knowing that it will pass? It seems almost unbearable to me.
This is very hard to put into words, and I've done it better before, but it's just that... I feel so sad when I'm happy because I know that inevitably that happiness, that moment, the people that are with me, everything, must eventually cease. Friendships will fade... someday I will never drive around town in the dark wtih people or hang out at Starbucks or play Cranium (lol, nobody wants to play against me in Cranium).
I mentioned it before, when Virginia Woolf said isn't it comforting that all this must cease, that death ends absolutely, and sometimes it is for me, but mostly it's unbearable. Nietzsche said that even people that would never dream of committing suicide are comforted by the thought of it during long nights. Somehow all of these things are connected... it's so subtle, I don't know how to explain it. I am so afraid of losing that I don't even want to have relationships, because I know that they will end... we are going to college soon and I will lose all this. If I didn't have friends, there would be nothing to lose...
I live so much in the past, so much in the future... I need to learn to live in the now.
I think that the only solution is to take every opportunity, always, always regret nothing. Then, though reminiscing will still be painful, there will be a sense of fulfillment in the past, and in the now, and a constant hope in the future...
oh but if I can survive this moment, there is the next, and the next hour, and the hour after that, always the hours... (that's from Michael Cunningham's book... very inaccurate quote as it's from memory).
It seems to me that all the suicidal and depressed people, especially authors in the world, realized something about the futility of life. And how can I hope, as Aristotle did, that something remains unchanged? How can I hold on to anything? The appeal of it, of ceasing, for a moment, to exist, of being unlimited potential...
Now we are all so hemmed in by our potentials, by our "liberties".
How can there be any satisfaction in my life when every memory, happy or sad, is horrible to me?
I have the vague sense that most people don't think about these things... I don't talk about them with anyone, as is obvious by my lack of being able to explain what I feel... it is something about the fragile webs of relationships that must end...
Virginia Woolf was half right. There is a comfort, in the ending of things, but there is also an unspeakable horror.
I look at my town, at the places I existed, and I see the ghosts of me and the people I loved, especially the people I loved and lost... and how can I accept that it's gone, all of it, that I've lost it all and cannot redeem it? How can I accept that every second, every new moment is an entirely new universe from the last, connected only by emotion, entirely disconnected by action or anything physical? I have existed so many times, in so many instants, every second I am reforming my existance...
What if I don't want to? What if I don't want to let go? How can I live like this?
And what of truth? Many philosophers say that it is universal... and how appealing, to believe there is one true thing... but we are so different, all of us, how can happiness be the same, how can fulfillment mean the same thing? Maybe Nietzsche is right... but how can his philosophy be right if his philosophy says the truth is different for everyone? Maybe we all need our own philosophies and that's the only truth... but how separated would we be then? We would be like islands, locked in our own realities, and there would be no way to reach anyone else, no way to touch them... but all change and loss would be so detatched... how can we tell a schizophrenic that his world is not real when he sees and feels and smells it with his own senses? How can we defy something so concrete as senses? We are all so convinced we're "sane", so convinced we've figured it out... what if the schizophrenic people are the correct ones? What if we're all schizophrenic and they're sane?
AHH my head hurts... but this is what goes on inside of it, this is the constant loss I feel exists in the world...
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately. (I'm pretty sure I think way too much than is good for me). My problem is that when I'm having fun, when I'm with my friends and I feel like a part of something, or with Matt... this sadness washes over me, because I know that the next day it will have already begun to fade, and it will be just another painful memory, because I will know that it's over. It's hard to look at life this way, as a succession of moments, hours, and days that I will come to miss so badly it will hurt. It almost seems like it's not worth being happy, because someday that happiness will have to be remembered, and it will ache, that memory. How can I live every day, every moment, knowing that it will pass? It seems almost unbearable to me.
This is very hard to put into words, and I've done it better before, but it's just that... I feel so sad when I'm happy because I know that inevitably that happiness, that moment, the people that are with me, everything, must eventually cease. Friendships will fade... someday I will never drive around town in the dark wtih people or hang out at Starbucks or play Cranium (lol, nobody wants to play against me in Cranium).
I mentioned it before, when Virginia Woolf said isn't it comforting that all this must cease, that death ends absolutely, and sometimes it is for me, but mostly it's unbearable. Nietzsche said that even people that would never dream of committing suicide are comforted by the thought of it during long nights. Somehow all of these things are connected... it's so subtle, I don't know how to explain it. I am so afraid of losing that I don't even want to have relationships, because I know that they will end... we are going to college soon and I will lose all this. If I didn't have friends, there would be nothing to lose...
I live so much in the past, so much in the future... I need to learn to live in the now.
I think that the only solution is to take every opportunity, always, always regret nothing. Then, though reminiscing will still be painful, there will be a sense of fulfillment in the past, and in the now, and a constant hope in the future...
oh but if I can survive this moment, there is the next, and the next hour, and the hour after that, always the hours... (that's from Michael Cunningham's book... very inaccurate quote as it's from memory).
It seems to me that all the suicidal and depressed people, especially authors in the world, realized something about the futility of life. And how can I hope, as Aristotle did, that something remains unchanged? How can I hold on to anything? The appeal of it, of ceasing, for a moment, to exist, of being unlimited potential...
Now we are all so hemmed in by our potentials, by our "liberties".
How can there be any satisfaction in my life when every memory, happy or sad, is horrible to me?
I have the vague sense that most people don't think about these things... I don't talk about them with anyone, as is obvious by my lack of being able to explain what I feel... it is something about the fragile webs of relationships that must end...
Virginia Woolf was half right. There is a comfort, in the ending of things, but there is also an unspeakable horror.
I look at my town, at the places I existed, and I see the ghosts of me and the people I loved, especially the people I loved and lost... and how can I accept that it's gone, all of it, that I've lost it all and cannot redeem it? How can I accept that every second, every new moment is an entirely new universe from the last, connected only by emotion, entirely disconnected by action or anything physical? I have existed so many times, in so many instants, every second I am reforming my existance...
What if I don't want to? What if I don't want to let go? How can I live like this?
And what of truth? Many philosophers say that it is universal... and how appealing, to believe there is one true thing... but we are so different, all of us, how can happiness be the same, how can fulfillment mean the same thing? Maybe Nietzsche is right... but how can his philosophy be right if his philosophy says the truth is different for everyone? Maybe we all need our own philosophies and that's the only truth... but how separated would we be then? We would be like islands, locked in our own realities, and there would be no way to reach anyone else, no way to touch them... but all change and loss would be so detatched... how can we tell a schizophrenic that his world is not real when he sees and feels and smells it with his own senses? How can we defy something so concrete as senses? We are all so convinced we're "sane", so convinced we've figured it out... what if the schizophrenic people are the correct ones? What if we're all schizophrenic and they're sane?
AHH my head hurts... but this is what goes on inside of it, this is the constant loss I feel exists in the world...
Sunday, August 28, 2005
I'm really sentimental at the moment. More so, even, than usual, shocking as that may seem. I've been thinking about my past a lot, which I haven't done lately. And about my friends now.
What is so bizarre to me is how young they were... how my brother was 11 when he molested me. Then, when I was 3, that seemed ancient. Now that seems so, so young. He was starting to smoke pot then and everything, but still... 11 seems so innocent. That's so weird to think about.
My cousin was 14... the babysitters were 16... it's so young, really, it is...
Two years ago I was going through hell, my mom had moved out and such, and I nearly ruined two people's lives... my friend Shauna, and my friend Ellie. I needed so badly to talk to someone about my past, and so I dumped on them... I was miserable and I talked so much about the abuse I went through. It changed them a lot. Remarkably, they are still my friends. But I regret every day what I did to them that summer.
And they were so innocent then, and I wasn't really. And what is innocence? People think I am innocent now but I am not. They think I am naive about sex but I am not.
And my friends now... how do we live with knowing? I know one of my friends has an eating disorder. One of them cuts. One of them smokes pot. How do I let that continue?
Also... my cousin, the one that was 14 when I was 4... he is out there somewhere, which children, with little girls.
How do I live with myself when I know what he is probably doing to those babies? How do I not hate myself for the powerlessness of it all?
What is so bizarre to me is how young they were... how my brother was 11 when he molested me. Then, when I was 3, that seemed ancient. Now that seems so, so young. He was starting to smoke pot then and everything, but still... 11 seems so innocent. That's so weird to think about.
My cousin was 14... the babysitters were 16... it's so young, really, it is...
Two years ago I was going through hell, my mom had moved out and such, and I nearly ruined two people's lives... my friend Shauna, and my friend Ellie. I needed so badly to talk to someone about my past, and so I dumped on them... I was miserable and I talked so much about the abuse I went through. It changed them a lot. Remarkably, they are still my friends. But I regret every day what I did to them that summer.
And they were so innocent then, and I wasn't really. And what is innocence? People think I am innocent now but I am not. They think I am naive about sex but I am not.
And my friends now... how do we live with knowing? I know one of my friends has an eating disorder. One of them cuts. One of them smokes pot. How do I let that continue?
Also... my cousin, the one that was 14 when I was 4... he is out there somewhere, which children, with little girls.
How do I live with myself when I know what he is probably doing to those babies? How do I not hate myself for the powerlessness of it all?
Saturday, August 27, 2005
I must write it down before I stop understanding...
I have to write this down quickly. It is sort of like with a particularly crazy dream... it is vivid when you first wake up, but if you don't think about it, if you don't analyze it, you will forget it very quickly. So that's why I have to write this down now.
I'm not sure if I'm even interpreting some of this Aristotle stuff right, but even if my interpretations are wrong they are interesting and thought-provoking. What I think he's saying, what I'm understanding anyway, is this:
If I were to get eaten by a veloci raptor at this moment (something I am always on the alert for), if it were to pluck me off my computer chair and start chewing me up up and digesting me, something very ineteresting might happen. See, Aristotle's going on about how when something is built or destroyed artificially (which has something to do with purpose that I don't totally understand) some change takes place, but something always remains the same. Like... if you build a chair out of wood, a change has taken place in the wood in size or location or whatever, but it is still wood. But when I get eating, nothing is maintained... my matter changes, rather abruptly, into veloci-raptor matter. There is no Lindsay matter maintained. And I think what Aristotle is saying is that there is an instant, as my matter is changing, that I theoretically cease to exist. If all things in existance have the potential to become something (wood into chair), then that is a definition of existance... but when I am changing into veloci raptor, i have, for a moment, no form, meaning i have the potential to become anything... like air can't become a chair, but a bit of half-digested Lindsay could become dog, fox, bear, or veloci raptor... my location soon plays a very important part, but for a moment my infinite potential is what matters... and if I have infinite potential and have no form, then I am nothing.
Interesting idea...
(and I am rather frightened of veloci raptors)
I'm not sure if I'm even interpreting some of this Aristotle stuff right, but even if my interpretations are wrong they are interesting and thought-provoking. What I think he's saying, what I'm understanding anyway, is this:
If I were to get eaten by a veloci raptor at this moment (something I am always on the alert for), if it were to pluck me off my computer chair and start chewing me up up and digesting me, something very ineteresting might happen. See, Aristotle's going on about how when something is built or destroyed artificially (which has something to do with purpose that I don't totally understand) some change takes place, but something always remains the same. Like... if you build a chair out of wood, a change has taken place in the wood in size or location or whatever, but it is still wood. But when I get eating, nothing is maintained... my matter changes, rather abruptly, into veloci-raptor matter. There is no Lindsay matter maintained. And I think what Aristotle is saying is that there is an instant, as my matter is changing, that I theoretically cease to exist. If all things in existance have the potential to become something (wood into chair), then that is a definition of existance... but when I am changing into veloci raptor, i have, for a moment, no form, meaning i have the potential to become anything... like air can't become a chair, but a bit of half-digested Lindsay could become dog, fox, bear, or veloci raptor... my location soon plays a very important part, but for a moment my infinite potential is what matters... and if I have infinite potential and have no form, then I am nothing.
Interesting idea...
(and I am rather frightened of veloci raptors)
LOL, a poem
I just realized I've never posted a poem here and I love poetry and writing, so here's a really short one that is actually rather horrible but I'm kind of attatched to it.
"The Rose"
Tell me that
the way this water spills unevenly
out of the corridored heart
of a rose
is not the way my life
will trip
and fall into the future
Poems are just so great... I was in this poetry workshop last year, it was so fun to hear everyone's poems. The only bad thing about my poems or any of my writing is I have a hard time writing impersonally so it's all really revealing. I hate reading it in public, I feel like I'm wandering around in my neglige (I wonder if I spelled that right... needs the fancy French accent anyway).
Well I'm reading Aristotle and Kant... very very interesting... Aristotle's a bit obsessed with change and conservation of matter...
"The Rose"
Tell me that
the way this water spills unevenly
out of the corridored heart
of a rose
is not the way my life
will trip
and fall into the future
Poems are just so great... I was in this poetry workshop last year, it was so fun to hear everyone's poems. The only bad thing about my poems or any of my writing is I have a hard time writing impersonally so it's all really revealing. I hate reading it in public, I feel like I'm wandering around in my neglige (I wonder if I spelled that right... needs the fancy French accent anyway).
Well I'm reading Aristotle and Kant... very very interesting... Aristotle's a bit obsessed with change and conservation of matter...
Well that was an interesting camping trip. First, I found out that I was right in that the only people there were little kids, except this one poor seventeen-year-old who just moved here, a block away from me actually. Then, I couldn't sleep because my mom, aunt, and grandma were all snoring really loudly, so I kept playing The Killers over and over again, and waking up and putting it on play again... wow, it's really weird vaguely remembering hearing songs when you were half asleep and you can't distinguish between the end of the CD and the beginning again... It makes you terrified of insomnia, of old women snoring in the night.
Today we went on this lovely 8 mile hike on which my poor dog who is 12 collapsed she was so tired and her hips hurt so bad. Oh man I was mad at my dad. I told him before we left that she was going to have a hard time, but I guess he's cruel and evil and doesn't mind watching her suffer.
I'm really grumpy with my parents right now, I don't know why... seems to be a trend lately. I just feel like doing something drastic. Maybe I'll buy a thong and get a tattoo on my butt.
LOL, my parents would have a heart attack...
Today we went on this lovely 8 mile hike on which my poor dog who is 12 collapsed she was so tired and her hips hurt so bad. Oh man I was mad at my dad. I told him before we left that she was going to have a hard time, but I guess he's cruel and evil and doesn't mind watching her suffer.
I'm really grumpy with my parents right now, I don't know why... seems to be a trend lately. I just feel like doing something drastic. Maybe I'll buy a thong and get a tattoo on my butt.
LOL, my parents would have a heart attack...
Friday, August 26, 2005
My parents are forcing me to go camping with a bunch of 5-year-olds and I really don't want to go and my mom is threatening to ground me if I don't "improve my attitude" and I really really really feel depressed I feel like crying lately my moods have just been so weird and I don't know how I can "improve my attitude" when I'd rather be almost anywhere than camping with a bunch of little kids from our church.
panic
I've been reading like crazy all summer... I know once school starts I won't have time to do the things I love like read and play video games and sit in front of the computer for hours, and it's sad...
The panic is closing in. When I think about it (less than a week!) I feel my chest closing and I can't breathe. How will I survive another year? What if it's like last year? I was so busy last year... so busy I think I have some PTSD from it... all those days living in my car, eating in the shower and at stop signs (when I actually did eat), doing homework at stoplights and with the heat on in the car... every second just doing homework... no time to think, no time to feel... throwing up every weekend, so depressed, antisocial, pushing people away, confused, lost, angry... And SO frusterated...
Can I handle another year like that? Can I change things? Can I prevent it from happening again? Can I stop that horrible clock inside me?
Something about business... a little bit's fun... a lot is actually traumatizing...
The panic is closing in. When I think about it (less than a week!) I feel my chest closing and I can't breathe. How will I survive another year? What if it's like last year? I was so busy last year... so busy I think I have some PTSD from it... all those days living in my car, eating in the shower and at stop signs (when I actually did eat), doing homework at stoplights and with the heat on in the car... every second just doing homework... no time to think, no time to feel... throwing up every weekend, so depressed, antisocial, pushing people away, confused, lost, angry... And SO frusterated...
Can I handle another year like that? Can I change things? Can I prevent it from happening again? Can I stop that horrible clock inside me?
Something about business... a little bit's fun... a lot is actually traumatizing...
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Randomness
Do you know what's even stupider than running five miles? Running five miles two days in a row. Today was much harder... I thought I was going to collapse. It was hot and I was very, very sore from yesterday... I'm surprised I'm not out there baking somewhere on the sidewalk, unable to move. ANYWAY...
Today I just played video games and discovered 99 cent steamers at Friendly's which made me happy (I've also just discovered there is no cent symbol on the keyboard, or I can't find one anyway). Some people came over tonight and we did sidewalk chalk. I felt like a kid again. And we watched Spiderman too, great fun.
Siobhan's boyfriend left for college today. Things seem to be so full of loss lately. Summer ending. My friends leaving for college. Wow life hits you in the face.
Today I just played video games and discovered 99 cent steamers at Friendly's which made me happy (I've also just discovered there is no cent symbol on the keyboard, or I can't find one anyway). Some people came over tonight and we did sidewalk chalk. I felt like a kid again. And we watched Spiderman too, great fun.
Siobhan's boyfriend left for college today. Things seem to be so full of loss lately. Summer ending. My friends leaving for college. Wow life hits you in the face.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
and up again...
This has been the most random day ever. I randomly baked a coffee cake from scratch (wow, that's weird, I made cookies on Saturday and now I'm baking cakes, and I used to not cook at all unless facing death), it was really good... Then I went on a five mile run. I wasn't planning on running that long, but those endorphins (is that what they are?) just totally turned on and I never wanted to stop... I didn't get tired at all, but I'm really sore now. I feel so much better though... amazing what running does for you. They should prescribe it as an anti-depressant.
I purged today though. First time in like a month I think. Sucks sucks sucks I should have gone running first.
I purged today though. First time in like a month I think. Sucks sucks sucks I should have gone running first.
back on the roller coaster...
I'm really depressed right now. What the heck is so hard about taking a few pills morning and night? I get so frusterated with myself...
And so frightened at how angry I get. Hold it all in, of course, but when my dog does something wrong or something, for a fleeting instant I think it is possible that I could hurt her, though I am disgusted by that (even as I realize it I'm disgusted), and I wouldn't ever actually do it... would I? Would I?!!?!!
We picked up our schedules today... it's so hard to be going back to school. Siobhan was supposed to sleep over with JoAnna Thursday, she backed out, it made me mad too.
We went to The Green Iguana for lunch and I just sat there drinking some smoothie (I seem to have given up on these horrid numbers on the scales... nothing I can do about them but eat healthy) and gosh I was depressed. Something about school, about friends, about the way we looked shivering at that glass table with those styrofoam cups. I don't know. I don't know anything right now.
And so frightened at how angry I get. Hold it all in, of course, but when my dog does something wrong or something, for a fleeting instant I think it is possible that I could hurt her, though I am disgusted by that (even as I realize it I'm disgusted), and I wouldn't ever actually do it... would I? Would I?!!?!!
We picked up our schedules today... it's so hard to be going back to school. Siobhan was supposed to sleep over with JoAnna Thursday, she backed out, it made me mad too.
We went to The Green Iguana for lunch and I just sat there drinking some smoothie (I seem to have given up on these horrid numbers on the scales... nothing I can do about them but eat healthy) and gosh I was depressed. Something about school, about friends, about the way we looked shivering at that glass table with those styrofoam cups. I don't know. I don't know anything right now.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Yay for good days... (and Leanne Womack)
I slept over at Olivia's last night, and talked to her about a lot of things about me, and just talked and talked and talked to her... it felt quite good, I missed her so much. We watched "Miss Congeniality 2" even though every one said it was crap... well I thought it was good, not as funny as the first one, but good, I liked it a lot.
Today I spent quite a while just sitting at Taco Del Sol talking to Matt, and quite a while making out in my car, and quite a while wandering around a park... This is how it feels to be torn. I'm engaged (basically) to someone, and going out wiht someone else, and I love them both... wow I never envisioned myself this way.
I ate dinner at Shauna's, talked to her about some stuff... I feel like I'm slowly purging my life of all the bad messes I made. It feels really good. Anyway, we went to this concert at Carroll College... "Clumsy Lovers" or something (the violin player was very good), with Ellie and Laura (who is Matt's good friend and very protective of him so she's not quite enamored with me) and Hallie, and then met up with a ton of people there, including Matt, and there were people dancing at the front. I'm not much of a dancer. A month ago I would have never gone up front (there were only like five people up there) and started dancing in front of a room crowded with people. I was skeptical tonight. But Leanne Womack kept coming in my head ("if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance") and everything I learned at the seminar about missed opportunities. So man, I danced. I felt kinda stupid at first. I think Shauna was laughing at how awkward I felt. But I just let go. Forgot the people in the audience that knew me that I didn't want to see me look stupid. Forgot it all and just danced.
Man it was fun.
So, new LD resolution is out and I really like it, about illegal immigrants. I was talking to my debate friend (not just debate, she's my friend period) Brittany, and she totally shot down my Kant/Categorical imperative/deontology idea, which is I guess alright because it was crap and would have never worked.
I'm going to research possible criterions tomorrow... I'm not going to go anywhere tomorrow (well, not for long, I'm briefly hanging out with Jo and Siobhan in the morning when we get our schedules, maybe just go to Starbucks or somethign), because my mom thinks I'm being to sociable (my gosh, first of all I have a midnight curfue like every night and she's worried I'm too antisocial... now, my curfue is 11 weekdays 12 weekends and 10 when she feels like it, like tonight).
Locke maybe? It's worth looking into... probably won't work though. Something about inalienable human rights being democratic would work best... "All man are created equal.." (Hah, except for illegal aliens of course). :-)
Today I spent quite a while just sitting at Taco Del Sol talking to Matt, and quite a while making out in my car, and quite a while wandering around a park... This is how it feels to be torn. I'm engaged (basically) to someone, and going out wiht someone else, and I love them both... wow I never envisioned myself this way.
I ate dinner at Shauna's, talked to her about some stuff... I feel like I'm slowly purging my life of all the bad messes I made. It feels really good. Anyway, we went to this concert at Carroll College... "Clumsy Lovers" or something (the violin player was very good), with Ellie and Laura (who is Matt's good friend and very protective of him so she's not quite enamored with me) and Hallie, and then met up with a ton of people there, including Matt, and there were people dancing at the front. I'm not much of a dancer. A month ago I would have never gone up front (there were only like five people up there) and started dancing in front of a room crowded with people. I was skeptical tonight. But Leanne Womack kept coming in my head ("if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance") and everything I learned at the seminar about missed opportunities. So man, I danced. I felt kinda stupid at first. I think Shauna was laughing at how awkward I felt. But I just let go. Forgot the people in the audience that knew me that I didn't want to see me look stupid. Forgot it all and just danced.
Man it was fun.
So, new LD resolution is out and I really like it, about illegal immigrants. I was talking to my debate friend (not just debate, she's my friend period) Brittany, and she totally shot down my Kant/Categorical imperative/deontology idea, which is I guess alright because it was crap and would have never worked.
I'm going to research possible criterions tomorrow... I'm not going to go anywhere tomorrow (well, not for long, I'm briefly hanging out with Jo and Siobhan in the morning when we get our schedules, maybe just go to Starbucks or somethign), because my mom thinks I'm being to sociable (my gosh, first of all I have a midnight curfue like every night and she's worried I'm too antisocial... now, my curfue is 11 weekdays 12 weekends and 10 when she feels like it, like tonight).
Locke maybe? It's worth looking into... probably won't work though. Something about inalienable human rights being democratic would work best... "All man are created equal.." (Hah, except for illegal aliens of course). :-)
Sunday, August 21, 2005
I don't understand. I feel miserable. Not like killing myself or cutting or anything, but like... angry. So angry. I don't even have a reason to be in a bad mood. Well, not an obvious one. But there are some candidates.
1. I'm so worried about school starting. Panic. I'm worried about stress. I'm making goals, goals about getting sleep doing things with organization, blocked time, but I made those goals last year and by October I was ready to die again. So I'm scared. Only good thing: I'll see Matt every day, and debate will start. Debate is what keeps me alive.
2. Some girl kissed Josh the other day. And my emotions are suddenly stuck in a blender. I love Matt, but Josh... I am so so so so so so in love with Josh. And all that he means... he is so forbidden, so out of reach...
And I so totally can't stop thinking about him, thinking about holding him, kissing him, thinking about loving him...
1. I'm so worried about school starting. Panic. I'm worried about stress. I'm making goals, goals about getting sleep doing things with organization, blocked time, but I made those goals last year and by October I was ready to die again. So I'm scared. Only good thing: I'll see Matt every day, and debate will start. Debate is what keeps me alive.
2. Some girl kissed Josh the other day. And my emotions are suddenly stuck in a blender. I love Matt, but Josh... I am so so so so so so in love with Josh. And all that he means... he is so forbidden, so out of reach...
And I so totally can't stop thinking about him, thinking about holding him, kissing him, thinking about loving him...
Saturday, August 20, 2005
"Tourists- They climb mountains like animals, stupid and sweating; one has forgotten to tell them that there are beautiful views on the way up." (Nietzsche of course).
Wow what a quote. It's so true. It's exactly what I have come to realize this summer.
I faced it today. Wanted so badly to purge. You wouldn't believe how much you miss the bad things you've done. How much I miss the bad things I've done (I suppose owning your language is part of being accountable). I went through my whole accountability formula on a month ago when I was slipping- no, avalanching- back to bulimia. I stepped left. I listened to that "Ready to Fly" song. I listened to my favorite song, "Hero". (I'm so musically oriented that songs are often what break me or save me). I stood outside where it was very hot and I felt I could melt away.
Why am I so angry all the time lately? Maybe it's just today. I didn't take my medicine. Though because I am rational enough to realize that was a stupid idea and I must take it tonight, I know it's not to late to get back into it.
Yesterday we went to Great Falls and bouught clothes. I hate spending money. I spent $300 yesterday. I felt physically sick on the way home. I thought I was going to throw up my smoothie. There's something wrong with someone who feels like throwing up after spending a bunch of money on new clothes. Most of my friends think that's heaven.
I did get clothes I needed. Went to PacSun, The Buckle, and Wet Seal. I bought two sweaters, two shirts, a t-shirt. Also, some Tilt jeans (short- no more hemming, I never get around to it), that fit me really well, this awesome belt, and some white corduroys. I really wanted these Lucky jeans I tried on but they were $72 on sale, and that monster inside of me that was making me more sick and depressed the longer we stayed in that mall would never allow it. Also my mom bought me some Etnies shoes that are green and white, really cool. And I'm going to buy these Roo shoes I really like on Monday (I've thought through it, shopping's okay when I feel in control of my money and my purchases). Maybe I'm scared of compulsive shopping like my mother does... I don't know.
I've realized (although I'm very mad at my mom today, we're both in bad moods which never turns out good) that the two people that have hurt me the most in my life (my mom and my brother) are the two people I trust the most.
Stop, Lindsay. Stop being a stupid sweating animal.
What keeps people from doing drugs, if they don't really believe in religion and Hell? Becuase me, I don't understand why everyone's not out there getting high if they don't think God is watching.
Wow what a quote. It's so true. It's exactly what I have come to realize this summer.
I faced it today. Wanted so badly to purge. You wouldn't believe how much you miss the bad things you've done. How much I miss the bad things I've done (I suppose owning your language is part of being accountable). I went through my whole accountability formula on a month ago when I was slipping- no, avalanching- back to bulimia. I stepped left. I listened to that "Ready to Fly" song. I listened to my favorite song, "Hero". (I'm so musically oriented that songs are often what break me or save me). I stood outside where it was very hot and I felt I could melt away.
Why am I so angry all the time lately? Maybe it's just today. I didn't take my medicine. Though because I am rational enough to realize that was a stupid idea and I must take it tonight, I know it's not to late to get back into it.
Yesterday we went to Great Falls and bouught clothes. I hate spending money. I spent $300 yesterday. I felt physically sick on the way home. I thought I was going to throw up my smoothie. There's something wrong with someone who feels like throwing up after spending a bunch of money on new clothes. Most of my friends think that's heaven.
I did get clothes I needed. Went to PacSun, The Buckle, and Wet Seal. I bought two sweaters, two shirts, a t-shirt. Also, some Tilt jeans (short- no more hemming, I never get around to it), that fit me really well, this awesome belt, and some white corduroys. I really wanted these Lucky jeans I tried on but they were $72 on sale, and that monster inside of me that was making me more sick and depressed the longer we stayed in that mall would never allow it. Also my mom bought me some Etnies shoes that are green and white, really cool. And I'm going to buy these Roo shoes I really like on Monday (I've thought through it, shopping's okay when I feel in control of my money and my purchases). Maybe I'm scared of compulsive shopping like my mother does... I don't know.
I've realized (although I'm very mad at my mom today, we're both in bad moods which never turns out good) that the two people that have hurt me the most in my life (my mom and my brother) are the two people I trust the most.
Stop, Lindsay. Stop being a stupid sweating animal.
What keeps people from doing drugs, if they don't really believe in religion and Hell? Becuase me, I don't understand why everyone's not out there getting high if they don't think God is watching.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
opening up
I'm slowly trying to repair the damage from everything I broke, slowly fixing my life.
I talked to Matt yesterday, totally saved our relationship. I told him everything. It was all or nothing. There was nothing left to lose. Now we're okay again... we just played tennis and had ice cream and I feel way closer to him now, and for the time being I definitely choose him (as opposed to Josh- Josh will come once I break up with Matt).
Also I talked to Shauna, about starting over, about letting go of the pain that is in our past. And I'm talking to Olivia.
About Nietzsche, I'm reading the origin of tragedy or something... he keeps going on about how seeing the truth creates nausea that only art can fix... I don't agree with most of it but it's way interesting...
I don't understand this Apollo vs. Dionysn (sp?) thing though, or the Greek choir surrounding a spectacle that shields it from reality. Doesn't make sense to me.
I talked to Matt yesterday, totally saved our relationship. I told him everything. It was all or nothing. There was nothing left to lose. Now we're okay again... we just played tennis and had ice cream and I feel way closer to him now, and for the time being I definitely choose him (as opposed to Josh- Josh will come once I break up with Matt).
Also I talked to Shauna, about starting over, about letting go of the pain that is in our past. And I'm talking to Olivia.
About Nietzsche, I'm reading the origin of tragedy or something... he keeps going on about how seeing the truth creates nausea that only art can fix... I don't agree with most of it but it's way interesting...
I don't understand this Apollo vs. Dionysn (sp?) thing though, or the Greek choir surrounding a spectacle that shields it from reality. Doesn't make sense to me.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Nietzsche
I think I've already posted quite enough today, but I'm sort of bored. I'm going to a movie with Matt tonight, but not until seven. I really need to call him though.
I've been plowing through Nietzsche. I think it's really interesting... so far I've discovered he doesn't believe in morals, his philosophies are totally anti-moral, he believes Christianity is anti-life. He believes the world is subjective (like I was going on about at the beginning of this blog) and how science (along with religion) is a means by which to avoid truth. He believes optimism was actually born out of affliction, and pessimism is a good thing of being full of life.
Mostly I've realized Einstein and him would not get along. Einstein believed in concrete, universal facts that worked on everything for everyone, very anti-existentialism. There's this phenomenon that on a quantum level this can obstruct themselves. When photons are shone through a slit, bars show up, meaning some photons hit something, but what? Only answer is themselves. So some scientists said that there's an infinite amount of universes out there, and all the possibilities of placements of the object are occurring in all the universes. Some scientists say (this Copenhagen guy started it) the object has no position until someone sees it, which sort of goes in line with existentialism. This new guy based a theory on Einstein's ideas that any object warps the gravitational field around it, and says that for a really small amount of time (the smaller the object, the longer the time) the object wobbles until the energy required to maintain separate gravity fields makes it become fixed. They haven't proved that yet but they're working on it. Orthodox quantum mechanics says that an object does several things at once, interfering with itself finally to show no change, so it is not determinable which way the object went (see why I love quantum physics? I would love for those rules to apply to me!). Anyway, I'm getting really off topic. What I was saying is Einstein once said "I'd like to think the moon is there whether I see it or not" one time. So Einstein and what he believed in was totally against Nietzsche and existentialism.
Also, while reading Nietzsche, I find it interesting how occasionally several philosopher's collide on an opinion, like objectivism and existentialism have a couple (very few I know but still) similar beliefs, also Kant, even though he seems opposite Rand. Speaking of Ayn Rand I got my essay-winning money in the mail and was happy. :-)
Well, okay, I'm done droning on about philosophy and quantum physics... I think that my beliefs are a bizarre mix of Christianity, existentialism, and objectivism. Don't seem combinable, but they work for me.
I've been plowing through Nietzsche. I think it's really interesting... so far I've discovered he doesn't believe in morals, his philosophies are totally anti-moral, he believes Christianity is anti-life. He believes the world is subjective (like I was going on about at the beginning of this blog) and how science (along with religion) is a means by which to avoid truth. He believes optimism was actually born out of affliction, and pessimism is a good thing of being full of life.
Mostly I've realized Einstein and him would not get along. Einstein believed in concrete, universal facts that worked on everything for everyone, very anti-existentialism. There's this phenomenon that on a quantum level this can obstruct themselves. When photons are shone through a slit, bars show up, meaning some photons hit something, but what? Only answer is themselves. So some scientists said that there's an infinite amount of universes out there, and all the possibilities of placements of the object are occurring in all the universes. Some scientists say (this Copenhagen guy started it) the object has no position until someone sees it, which sort of goes in line with existentialism. This new guy based a theory on Einstein's ideas that any object warps the gravitational field around it, and says that for a really small amount of time (the smaller the object, the longer the time) the object wobbles until the energy required to maintain separate gravity fields makes it become fixed. They haven't proved that yet but they're working on it. Orthodox quantum mechanics says that an object does several things at once, interfering with itself finally to show no change, so it is not determinable which way the object went (see why I love quantum physics? I would love for those rules to apply to me!). Anyway, I'm getting really off topic. What I was saying is Einstein once said "I'd like to think the moon is there whether I see it or not" one time. So Einstein and what he believed in was totally against Nietzsche and existentialism.
Also, while reading Nietzsche, I find it interesting how occasionally several philosopher's collide on an opinion, like objectivism and existentialism have a couple (very few I know but still) similar beliefs, also Kant, even though he seems opposite Rand. Speaking of Ayn Rand I got my essay-winning money in the mail and was happy. :-)
Well, okay, I'm done droning on about philosophy and quantum physics... I think that my beliefs are a bizarre mix of Christianity, existentialism, and objectivism. Don't seem combinable, but they work for me.
book list
Well blogger was not cooperating this morning, so I have this random post... I just went to the library it was cool except I saw some people I knew there so I was slinking around...
Books I got:
Locke's Philosophical Works
Kant- Critique of Practical Reason
Nietzsche as a Philosopher
Basic Writings of Nietzsche
Aristotle for Everybody
A Separate Peace
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
and Crack, this book about a high school girl who starts doing crack. I know it's rather random compared to my classics and philosophy books, but I've always been fascinated by drugs, considering what my brother did. The philosophy ones look really interesting... I don't think I'll read them all cover to cover, but I want to get the main ideas from them. I wanted to get William James and Ayn Rand too, but I couldn't find it and didn't feel like asking...
My IM quote right now is "believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact" or something like that.
Books I got:
Locke's Philosophical Works
Kant- Critique of Practical Reason
Nietzsche as a Philosopher
Basic Writings of Nietzsche
Aristotle for Everybody
A Separate Peace
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
and Crack, this book about a high school girl who starts doing crack. I know it's rather random compared to my classics and philosophy books, but I've always been fascinated by drugs, considering what my brother did. The philosophy ones look really interesting... I don't think I'll read them all cover to cover, but I want to get the main ideas from them. I wanted to get William James and Ayn Rand too, but I couldn't find it and didn't feel like asking...
My IM quote right now is "believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact" or something like that.
arachnaphobia
I have a new blog thing, because all my friends are at this other site... nobody seems to know about it yet, but here's the address: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=peacefreak77 so you should go to it sometime...
I opened up my Discover magazine for the month (but I'm getting behind, I haven't even read August's yet, I got really caught up in the string theory and how photons interfere with themselves, and had a random, brief, violent phase of quantum physics madness, because quantum and astrophysics are awesome) and there was this article on hobo spiders. And my best friend's mom has been telling us forever those big hairy things we find all over are hobo spiders, and that they are poisonous... one time she had this bite on her leg, and it looked really gross, like a pit of dead tissue or something. So I read the article, and they had a map of where hobo spiders live, and we are in the boundaries (it's western Montana, Idaho, Washington, and Oregon. Then I looked at a picture, and grabbed these sticky mouse trap things we use to catch spiders in our house (but more often they catch me, and leave me screaming my head off because my foot is stuck to the trap a centimeter away from some huge, hairy spider), and looked in a magnifying glass, and sure enough they were hobo spiders.
Really comforting, huh?
http://www.discover.com/issues/sep-05/features/bite-of-the-hobo-spider/
Yesterday I went out with a bunch of people, drove around, played shoe, nearly ran our brand new yukon SUV into a house and a fence (those things are hard to turn around in, especially in places where my Ford escort can't even turn around... I had to keep getting out of the car and inching forward/back so I wouldn't smash into something). Kyrstin left the clue of where she had her first kiss, and Siobhan knew where that was, and I asked her about it and she said it's a great place to stargaze, so I'm going to drag Matt there tonight... hopefully I won't drone on about the constellations, stars, Perseids, and how awesomely close Mars is getting. Other people don't seem to be nearly as interested in astronomy as me... in fact other people don't seem to be nearly as interesting in anything as me, except history, Matt's way more interested in that, and geography. But I am unnaturally interested in physics, biology, chemistry, calculus, and English.
Oh well, someday it'll be good to be smart and people won't think I'm a freak because I read astronomy books and science magazines and philosophy in my free time.
I opened up my Discover magazine for the month (but I'm getting behind, I haven't even read August's yet, I got really caught up in the string theory and how photons interfere with themselves, and had a random, brief, violent phase of quantum physics madness, because quantum and astrophysics are awesome) and there was this article on hobo spiders. And my best friend's mom has been telling us forever those big hairy things we find all over are hobo spiders, and that they are poisonous... one time she had this bite on her leg, and it looked really gross, like a pit of dead tissue or something. So I read the article, and they had a map of where hobo spiders live, and we are in the boundaries (it's western Montana, Idaho, Washington, and Oregon. Then I looked at a picture, and grabbed these sticky mouse trap things we use to catch spiders in our house (but more often they catch me, and leave me screaming my head off because my foot is stuck to the trap a centimeter away from some huge, hairy spider), and looked in a magnifying glass, and sure enough they were hobo spiders.
Really comforting, huh?
http://www.discover.com/issues/sep-05/features/bite-of-the-hobo-spider/
Yesterday I went out with a bunch of people, drove around, played shoe, nearly ran our brand new yukon SUV into a house and a fence (those things are hard to turn around in, especially in places where my Ford escort can't even turn around... I had to keep getting out of the car and inching forward/back so I wouldn't smash into something). Kyrstin left the clue of where she had her first kiss, and Siobhan knew where that was, and I asked her about it and she said it's a great place to stargaze, so I'm going to drag Matt there tonight... hopefully I won't drone on about the constellations, stars, Perseids, and how awesomely close Mars is getting. Other people don't seem to be nearly as interested in astronomy as me... in fact other people don't seem to be nearly as interesting in anything as me, except history, Matt's way more interested in that, and geography. But I am unnaturally interested in physics, biology, chemistry, calculus, and English.
Oh well, someday it'll be good to be smart and people won't think I'm a freak because I read astronomy books and science magazines and philosophy in my free time.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
somethine else
If anyone reads this blog, anything at all, go to this website: http://www.parentsupportservices.com/seminars/information/index.cfm?CFID=258911&CFTOKEN=79588403 and GO TO THIS SEMINAR. It's somewhat expensive but I think you can get scholarships... I went to the youth one, if any adult reads this, check out "Discovery". These seminars saved my parents and brother's lives ten years ago, and they saved my life last week. My mom would still be hitting me if it weren't for the foundation these seminars gave her.
The greatest gift I can give anyone in the world is this website, and to tell you, if you want your life to be better, than check it out.
Also, listen to "Ready to Fly" by Richard Marx.
I doubt many people will see this, but I am giving you the key to being happy and accountable and understanding yourself and changing your life.
The greatest gift I can give anyone in the world is this website, and to tell you, if you want your life to be better, than check it out.
Also, listen to "Ready to Fly" by Richard Marx.
I doubt many people will see this, but I am giving you the key to being happy and accountable and understanding yourself and changing your life.
courage
I'm more depressed today, considering I ran out of lithium and my dad hasn't ordered any new stuff yet... but I'm still not nearly as depressed as I was three weeks ago. Also I'm currently listening to Pink Floyd's "The Wall", which probably isn't helping.
I took a risk last night. I sent a letter to my brother, saying, why did you leave me, why did you get into drugs, why did you abuse me? And also a book I wrote him two years ago about how it felt growing up with him in programs and bootcamps and jail and psych hospitals. And I told him I was mad. That's the beginning, I think, saying that.
I can let go of the anger now. I can let go of the pain. What I still find amazing about myself is that so many people have left me and hurt me, but I still trust people 100%, and I can't lose that, or I'll have lost it all.
Every time someone leaves me, I feel... this horrible ache for months and months. This girl named Kristin, it took me two years to get over her abandonment. It hurts like Hell. But still, I trust. I love, and I think it's worth it. It's worth the pain. Or I'd end up like the rockstar Pink Floyd is singing about right now.
I wasn't sure, a few weeks ago, if it was worth still loving, still talking, when so many people had hurt me and left me... but like the quote on top of this blog, the true horror is in not caring. Siobhan did that once. I originally found this quote when Siobhan and I were having a lot of trouble... she left me, maybe I left her, I don't know. But it can apply to me too.
Sometimes it is hard for me to imagine never throwing up or cutting again, but then I think about why it's hard, about the fear, the anger, all the pain behind those feelings, and I know I can do it.
Courage.
I took a risk last night. I sent a letter to my brother, saying, why did you leave me, why did you get into drugs, why did you abuse me? And also a book I wrote him two years ago about how it felt growing up with him in programs and bootcamps and jail and psych hospitals. And I told him I was mad. That's the beginning, I think, saying that.
I can let go of the anger now. I can let go of the pain. What I still find amazing about myself is that so many people have left me and hurt me, but I still trust people 100%, and I can't lose that, or I'll have lost it all.
Every time someone leaves me, I feel... this horrible ache for months and months. This girl named Kristin, it took me two years to get over her abandonment. It hurts like Hell. But still, I trust. I love, and I think it's worth it. It's worth the pain. Or I'd end up like the rockstar Pink Floyd is singing about right now.
I wasn't sure, a few weeks ago, if it was worth still loving, still talking, when so many people had hurt me and left me... but like the quote on top of this blog, the true horror is in not caring. Siobhan did that once. I originally found this quote when Siobhan and I were having a lot of trouble... she left me, maybe I left her, I don't know. But it can apply to me too.
Sometimes it is hard for me to imagine never throwing up or cutting again, but then I think about why it's hard, about the fear, the anger, all the pain behind those feelings, and I know I can do it.
Courage.
Monday, August 15, 2005
This may be a long post. I will make no attempt to make it shorter. Something amazing, miraculous, and desperately needed has happened to me and I want to explain it. If you read it, you will benifit from it. The camping/rafting were fun, it was nice seeing Josh, but I'll talk about all that later. What I want to talk about is the seminar I just went to.
I can't say what I did at it, because I signed a contract saying I wouldn't, but I can talk about what I learned. It was in California, in the mountains. The first two days were very emotionally hard and I just wanted to run out the door and keep running all the way down the mountain and not come back. But my parents had warned me... you get as much out of this seminar as you put in. I stayed.
Everyone hated it at first. I was the only one who wanted to be there- the rest of them had siblings in the drug abuse program Craig was in in Samoa for three and a half years and their parents were making them. By the end of the week though, nobody wanted to go home. We were all sobbing and hugging eachother, and I still feel a very horrid ache whenever I think about it, because I want so badly to be back there it was so wonderful.
Man, I thought I knew myself when I was going there, but I didn't have a clue. I knew the top of my iceburg, so to speak, more than most people, but there's still so much beneath the water. The seminar's all about lowering that waterline of consciousness. I learned it's all about control for me, and that everything I do is based on a core of perfectionism and fear. Perfectionism gives me control, and allows me not to take risks because I fear failure (I knew that before the seminar, but I didn't understand why like I do now). Nothing is ever good enough for me... I use perfectionism to beat myself up for not being super-human. Fear allows stagnancy as well. And I am very afraid of happiness (another thing I knew but didn't understand). When my parents went to the seminar, they learned the phrase "based on results you have exactly what you intended". I thought it was crap, but that was because I didn't understand myself. Based on my results, I do have exactly what I intended, the intentions were just unconscious before so I wasn't aware of them. But what I intended, through fear and perfectionism, was to not take risks, and not be happy. So I am miserable don't take risks. It IS what I intended. I never would have understood that before.
Both fear and perfectionism were born when I was very young. Fear meant I took no risks, and therefor didn't get hurt anymore than necessary. Perfection mean that by expecing more of myself than anyone else possibly could I had a powerful sort of impenetrable protection. Also, I made no progress for years and years. Every time I break my word, I realized it's all about either control or approval. Both are very strong drives in my life. I used my past as an excuse to be messed up, as a story. Truth is, I'm not accountable for what happened when I was young, but I am accountable now for how I deal with it: whether I move on, or whether I wallow in it and use it to feed my fear and perfectionism. The truth is it's a choice, all of it. I was choosing to be miserable. Now, I choose to be happy.
There is no right or wrong, only working and non-working. Also, life (and everything in it) is not about winning and results, as my perfectionist mind would have me believe. It's about the journey, and working together with people for a common goal. I don't have to tear other people down to be happy. Someone doesn't have to lose for me to win.
Okay, those are a few of the things I learned. I wish I could explain how I learned them, it was so... amazing. But I can't... I gave my word, and my word and my integrity mean a lot more to me now than two weeks ago. There are no great and small promises or lies, only great and small consequences. My word is my word. Suffice it to say that the things we did finally knocked some sense into me, and I realized that I am perfectly capable of change if I choose to change. Now, I am terrified of risks, and my old pattern is to give into fear and not take them. But I'm done with that now. I'm finally, finally, finally ready to be happy, and to do whatever it takes. So here are some goals:
1. Stop demanding perfection, which allows only for "good" results, and allow excellence, which is all about risking and trying and being proud of yourself for risking. I thought failure meant not achieving the correct results... now I know it is actually not even trying because I fear the results. It's the journey that matters.
2. Talk to my friends and family more about my emotions and what's going on with me. Also my counselor and especially Matt and Olivia.
3. Quit the cutting and bulimia. I thought that would be hard. Now I realizing I was choosing to make it hard, and I can choose to let it go and be happy and move on just as easily. It just takes courage, something I thought I had.
4. Allow happiness. Accept it as an ultimate control. I am so terrified of not having control, another excuse I use for my negative behaviors. Truth is, real, healthy control is found in happiness and peace of mind. Rather than win-lose control, it is win-win control (again, someone doesn't have to lose for me to win. When I am cutting/bulimic, myself and my family and anyone who cares about me is losing).
5. Take leadership roles whenever possible (yes, during this camp, my shell cracked. My shyness disappeared... I allowed my old leadership skils to return. I took ever risk, gave every opportunity my 100%, and discovered I have some good things to say if I make myself heard).
6. Be more outgoing.
7. TAKE EVERY RISK AND OPPORTUNITY I AM OFFERED. (Without over-committing). I have spent so many years procrastinating doing something, and eventually losing the chance altogether. I'm done with that. I'm living a full, happy life, in every way possible.
8. Live in the now. Let go of the past. I've worked through it. It's over now.
9. Use the accountability formula daily (something you'll have to go to this seminar to understand, since I can't tell you).
10. Give and accept feedback constructively.
11. Punch pillows or run for anger release. It worked at the seminar because I chose it to work. It can work for me still.
12. Give EVERYTHING 100%. Commit fully.
13. Trust myself and others.
14. Let go of the past and its excuses and stories.
15. Courage- acknowledge fear- face the pig, talk to the pig, beat the pig (pig equals self-limiting beliefs I tell myself).
16. Work with people as a team. Don't play the right/wrong, win/lose games. Or the guilt games. Things are working or nonworking.
17. LIVE, LOVE, AND LEARN!!!!
I acknowledge how I've allowed my past to control me. I am making a new choice to be healthy.
Most importantly I learned:
I AM AN INNOCENT, CAPABLE, LOVABLE YOUNG WOMAN. MY PURPOSE IS TO ACCEPT EXCELLENCE AND OVERCOME MY FEAR OF IT. MY VISION IS TO, BY THE END OF NEXT YEAR, BE EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY!
I've been focusedon results for so long... what about the journey? It's time to enjoy it, to give 100%. It's time to give up perfection and embrace excellence.
THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS. BASED ON RESULTS I HAVE EXACTLY WHAT I INTENDED.
It's a choice, really. All of it. My life. I am capable of anything I choose.
I can't say what I did at it, because I signed a contract saying I wouldn't, but I can talk about what I learned. It was in California, in the mountains. The first two days were very emotionally hard and I just wanted to run out the door and keep running all the way down the mountain and not come back. But my parents had warned me... you get as much out of this seminar as you put in. I stayed.
Everyone hated it at first. I was the only one who wanted to be there- the rest of them had siblings in the drug abuse program Craig was in in Samoa for three and a half years and their parents were making them. By the end of the week though, nobody wanted to go home. We were all sobbing and hugging eachother, and I still feel a very horrid ache whenever I think about it, because I want so badly to be back there it was so wonderful.
Man, I thought I knew myself when I was going there, but I didn't have a clue. I knew the top of my iceburg, so to speak, more than most people, but there's still so much beneath the water. The seminar's all about lowering that waterline of consciousness. I learned it's all about control for me, and that everything I do is based on a core of perfectionism and fear. Perfectionism gives me control, and allows me not to take risks because I fear failure (I knew that before the seminar, but I didn't understand why like I do now). Nothing is ever good enough for me... I use perfectionism to beat myself up for not being super-human. Fear allows stagnancy as well. And I am very afraid of happiness (another thing I knew but didn't understand). When my parents went to the seminar, they learned the phrase "based on results you have exactly what you intended". I thought it was crap, but that was because I didn't understand myself. Based on my results, I do have exactly what I intended, the intentions were just unconscious before so I wasn't aware of them. But what I intended, through fear and perfectionism, was to not take risks, and not be happy. So I am miserable don't take risks. It IS what I intended. I never would have understood that before.
Both fear and perfectionism were born when I was very young. Fear meant I took no risks, and therefor didn't get hurt anymore than necessary. Perfection mean that by expecing more of myself than anyone else possibly could I had a powerful sort of impenetrable protection. Also, I made no progress for years and years. Every time I break my word, I realized it's all about either control or approval. Both are very strong drives in my life. I used my past as an excuse to be messed up, as a story. Truth is, I'm not accountable for what happened when I was young, but I am accountable now for how I deal with it: whether I move on, or whether I wallow in it and use it to feed my fear and perfectionism. The truth is it's a choice, all of it. I was choosing to be miserable. Now, I choose to be happy.
There is no right or wrong, only working and non-working. Also, life (and everything in it) is not about winning and results, as my perfectionist mind would have me believe. It's about the journey, and working together with people for a common goal. I don't have to tear other people down to be happy. Someone doesn't have to lose for me to win.
Okay, those are a few of the things I learned. I wish I could explain how I learned them, it was so... amazing. But I can't... I gave my word, and my word and my integrity mean a lot more to me now than two weeks ago. There are no great and small promises or lies, only great and small consequences. My word is my word. Suffice it to say that the things we did finally knocked some sense into me, and I realized that I am perfectly capable of change if I choose to change. Now, I am terrified of risks, and my old pattern is to give into fear and not take them. But I'm done with that now. I'm finally, finally, finally ready to be happy, and to do whatever it takes. So here are some goals:
1. Stop demanding perfection, which allows only for "good" results, and allow excellence, which is all about risking and trying and being proud of yourself for risking. I thought failure meant not achieving the correct results... now I know it is actually not even trying because I fear the results. It's the journey that matters.
2. Talk to my friends and family more about my emotions and what's going on with me. Also my counselor and especially Matt and Olivia.
3. Quit the cutting and bulimia. I thought that would be hard. Now I realizing I was choosing to make it hard, and I can choose to let it go and be happy and move on just as easily. It just takes courage, something I thought I had.
4. Allow happiness. Accept it as an ultimate control. I am so terrified of not having control, another excuse I use for my negative behaviors. Truth is, real, healthy control is found in happiness and peace of mind. Rather than win-lose control, it is win-win control (again, someone doesn't have to lose for me to win. When I am cutting/bulimic, myself and my family and anyone who cares about me is losing).
5. Take leadership roles whenever possible (yes, during this camp, my shell cracked. My shyness disappeared... I allowed my old leadership skils to return. I took ever risk, gave every opportunity my 100%, and discovered I have some good things to say if I make myself heard).
6. Be more outgoing.
7. TAKE EVERY RISK AND OPPORTUNITY I AM OFFERED. (Without over-committing). I have spent so many years procrastinating doing something, and eventually losing the chance altogether. I'm done with that. I'm living a full, happy life, in every way possible.
8. Live in the now. Let go of the past. I've worked through it. It's over now.
9. Use the accountability formula daily (something you'll have to go to this seminar to understand, since I can't tell you).
10. Give and accept feedback constructively.
11. Punch pillows or run for anger release. It worked at the seminar because I chose it to work. It can work for me still.
12. Give EVERYTHING 100%. Commit fully.
13. Trust myself and others.
14. Let go of the past and its excuses and stories.
15. Courage- acknowledge fear- face the pig, talk to the pig, beat the pig (pig equals self-limiting beliefs I tell myself).
16. Work with people as a team. Don't play the right/wrong, win/lose games. Or the guilt games. Things are working or nonworking.
17. LIVE, LOVE, AND LEARN!!!!
I acknowledge how I've allowed my past to control me. I am making a new choice to be healthy.
Most importantly I learned:
I AM AN INNOCENT, CAPABLE, LOVABLE YOUNG WOMAN. MY PURPOSE IS TO ACCEPT EXCELLENCE AND OVERCOME MY FEAR OF IT. MY VISION IS TO, BY THE END OF NEXT YEAR, BE EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY!
I've been focusedon results for so long... what about the journey? It's time to enjoy it, to give 100%. It's time to give up perfection and embrace excellence.
THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS. BASED ON RESULTS I HAVE EXACTLY WHAT I INTENDED.
It's a choice, really. All of it. My life. I am capable of anything I choose.
Monday, July 25, 2005
EARTHQUAKE!
Well we've just had an earthquake, the biggest one I can remember feeling. When I was a baby and we were right outside San Francisco in 1989 that was a bigger one, things falling out of our shelves and such, but I don't remember it. Right now, it wasn't that big, but the walls were creaking and the floor felt like it was liquid, waving or something, and the ceiling was bending, and it sounded like really, really heavy things were being moved upstairs. It was really creepy. I've only actually felt a few other earthquakes, although we get a lot of them here.
I just thought I'd share that news... I've been packing and such all day, and I think I'm finally ready to go (three weeks is a long time). Good bye.
I just thought I'd share that news... I've been packing and such all day, and I think I'm finally ready to go (three weeks is a long time). Good bye.
drugs
During the intermission of what was officially my last symphony concert the other night (I sent in my resignation email), Shauna stood digging her high heels into the ground and said, "I really want to get drunk." Shauna is a crazy person, because she is deep and psychoanalyzes everything, but she cares way more about shallow stuff like how she looks and what's popular than I do.
"Do you like the taste of it?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "a lot."
I stood there, fighting with myself. See, if it weren't for my religion, I would probably be hopelessly stoned and drunk all the time. I stood there, in the warm air, and I realized I wanted to be drunk too, I wanted to smoke pot, I wanted to let go of the world and put everything at arm's length where it made sense. I am so drawn to drugs, and alchohol, taking all these pills around my house, overdosing on things to see what it does... I think I inhereted it, my family has a great problem (both immediate and extended) with drugs, alcohol, and anything addictive.
I won't smoke pot. I won't drink. I won't smoke pot. i won't drink. I want to not do drugs. I really, really don't want to do them. It's just hard, I guess. Yesterday I was so so so messed up I felt like a rubberband about to snap. I just curled up in my room and cried and cried. And chainchewed gum.
I'm leaving for three weeks tomorrow. Josh is coming rafting with us for a few days. I love Matt, Josh is coming as a friend. Then I'm going to California for that seminar.
I wonder, how do people feel like this and not hurt themselves without going crazy?
"Do you like the taste of it?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "a lot."
I stood there, fighting with myself. See, if it weren't for my religion, I would probably be hopelessly stoned and drunk all the time. I stood there, in the warm air, and I realized I wanted to be drunk too, I wanted to smoke pot, I wanted to let go of the world and put everything at arm's length where it made sense. I am so drawn to drugs, and alchohol, taking all these pills around my house, overdosing on things to see what it does... I think I inhereted it, my family has a great problem (both immediate and extended) with drugs, alcohol, and anything addictive.
I won't smoke pot. I won't drink. I won't smoke pot. i won't drink. I want to not do drugs. I really, really don't want to do them. It's just hard, I guess. Yesterday I was so so so messed up I felt like a rubberband about to snap. I just curled up in my room and cried and cried. And chainchewed gum.
I'm leaving for three weeks tomorrow. Josh is coming rafting with us for a few days. I love Matt, Josh is coming as a friend. Then I'm going to California for that seminar.
I wonder, how do people feel like this and not hurt themselves without going crazy?
Saturday, July 23, 2005
anger
Lately I've been feeling so angry and I don't understand why... it's this tangible sea flinging itself occasionally up inside of me and it scares the crap out of me. Do I hate my mom? No. I'm still sort of mad at her for hitting me and stuff all those years. But more than that, I'm scared of turning out just like her. Sometimes when I'm mad at my mom or my dog or my cousin I feel that rage bubbling, and I wonder, could I do it, hit someone, hurt someone? I usually just feel the urge to hurt myself (like right now, I'm fighting it), but maybe someday that will change... I just don't know. It's a big thing to be afraid of. Afraid of my anger... and myself... maybe I can change things. Maybe I won't hit my kids. No. I won't... I don't want to...
okay, so I was a freak when I was little
So my nine-year-old cousin is here. Hyperactive doesn't do it justice. We were sitting on my couch watching Indianna Jones (most exciting movie I could think of that didn't involve sex or drugs or people getting their heads ripped off) and people are getting shot, people have spiders all over them, people are running into airplane propellors and getting poisoned and attacked by cobras. Sounds exciting, right? Not exciting enough. We were watching this guy escape from a band of savages with dart guns from a jungle after stealing treasure from a boobie trapped cave into a small airplane with a huge snake in it, and my cousin said, "this movie is boring."
But you know what isn't boring? Jumping on my head in the swimming pool and terrorizing life guards that are my age. Nope, she'll do that for hours, laugh at my concussion, and not mind that I keep having to apologize to lifeguards.
You know what isn't exciting? That my parents/my aunt/my grandma assume that everytime my cousin comes I want to babysit her 24-7. This time for a month (I am going to die). That I LOVE playing house and barbies that always end with "you're dead, now you go to jail". SHE'S NINE. Nine year olds should realize that dead people don't go to jail! Oh well. I'm losing it. I'm going crazy. SHE HAS NO ATTENTION SPAN. I didn't know it was possible to be so ADHD that you didn't have one at all, but she's managed it.
So I asked my mom, was I like that when I was nine? She said no, which just tells me I'm not imagining things. When I was nine, I wrote a really long paper about how life is like a sledding hill. It was this really elaborate metaphor about my brother's life and drugs, and how the trees were setbacks, and breaking your leg was, but in the end we have to try again because sledding (and life) could be fun, they weren't all bad. When I was five I told my parents our family was like a puzzle with a missing piece (my brother). By the age of seven I was trying to figure adults out, why they abused, why they said the things they said. Kindergarten I was reading chapter books. My reading level was college level (or say they say) by the end of third grade. I was a major dork I suppose looking back. I had a vocabulary to kill, I read during recess. I psychoanalyzed the games we played about aliens and such, finally deciding that we all really knew they weren't real, but chose to pretend they were because it was better than living in the real world. In short, I was a mature freak.
"My friends always told me you were seven going on forty. Nobody could get over how mature you were. You were mean though. I guess that's from me hitting you all the time." You think, Mom?
When I think back, I was a pretty weird kid. I could keep myself entertained for hours by reading or thinking about psychology. I was definitely never hyeractive. I wrote poetry in second grade. My mom used to make me sit on our hard kitchen chair for two hours, and if I made a sound she'd start the time over again. I watched that microwave timer (this happened a lot), and thought about all sorts of things I was way too young to be thinking about.
So it's hard for me, still, to relate to kids that aren't like that, that are... more normal, because I never was. With my cousin, I just can't understand how she can not know some things, things I knew, not think, not observe things about people. Also it doesn't help that everytime I have to babysit I have PTSD flashback/panic problems because I was abused by my babysitters.
Okay, nevermind, I wasn't just a freak when I was little, I still am one.
But you know what isn't boring? Jumping on my head in the swimming pool and terrorizing life guards that are my age. Nope, she'll do that for hours, laugh at my concussion, and not mind that I keep having to apologize to lifeguards.
You know what isn't exciting? That my parents/my aunt/my grandma assume that everytime my cousin comes I want to babysit her 24-7. This time for a month (I am going to die). That I LOVE playing house and barbies that always end with "you're dead, now you go to jail". SHE'S NINE. Nine year olds should realize that dead people don't go to jail! Oh well. I'm losing it. I'm going crazy. SHE HAS NO ATTENTION SPAN. I didn't know it was possible to be so ADHD that you didn't have one at all, but she's managed it.
So I asked my mom, was I like that when I was nine? She said no, which just tells me I'm not imagining things. When I was nine, I wrote a really long paper about how life is like a sledding hill. It was this really elaborate metaphor about my brother's life and drugs, and how the trees were setbacks, and breaking your leg was, but in the end we have to try again because sledding (and life) could be fun, they weren't all bad. When I was five I told my parents our family was like a puzzle with a missing piece (my brother). By the age of seven I was trying to figure adults out, why they abused, why they said the things they said. Kindergarten I was reading chapter books. My reading level was college level (or say they say) by the end of third grade. I was a major dork I suppose looking back. I had a vocabulary to kill, I read during recess. I psychoanalyzed the games we played about aliens and such, finally deciding that we all really knew they weren't real, but chose to pretend they were because it was better than living in the real world. In short, I was a mature freak.
"My friends always told me you were seven going on forty. Nobody could get over how mature you were. You were mean though. I guess that's from me hitting you all the time." You think, Mom?
When I think back, I was a pretty weird kid. I could keep myself entertained for hours by reading or thinking about psychology. I was definitely never hyeractive. I wrote poetry in second grade. My mom used to make me sit on our hard kitchen chair for two hours, and if I made a sound she'd start the time over again. I watched that microwave timer (this happened a lot), and thought about all sorts of things I was way too young to be thinking about.
So it's hard for me, still, to relate to kids that aren't like that, that are... more normal, because I never was. With my cousin, I just can't understand how she can not know some things, things I knew, not think, not observe things about people. Also it doesn't help that everytime I have to babysit I have PTSD flashback/panic problems because I was abused by my babysitters.
Okay, nevermind, I wasn't just a freak when I was little, I still am one.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Josh
I've mentioned Josh before. I met him at Civitan youth seminar in Pocatello the week after school got out. I'd post a picture, but I'm not that technologically adept. Anyway, I decided (recklessly, stupidly, compulsively and not considering the consequences) to flirt with him to see if he would like me. I talked to my counselor about this, and she agrees that it was totally innocent. I am... ?neurotic? I think that's what they call it. I don't believe myself worthy of love or anything, and I sure didn't believe I was capable of making this kid like me. My counselor says I only see the bad parts of me, that there are good parts, about being pretty and smart and such, but those are still too hard for me to even consider. So it really was innocent. I didn't really know what I was doing.
Anyway, he fell in love with me, and he was perfect, sort of my dream guy, but he lives in Idaho. I fell for him too. I didn't cheat on Matt of course, but I really liked the guy. I've been IM-ing and emailing him since then.
So I invited him rafting, because my mom said I should. He'd come for a few days and stay in our trailor with us in Wyoming. Shauna has told me this is setting myself up for disaster. I like him and he likes me. But I told him he is coming as a friend, and he can't... touch me (I didn't say it exactly like that, but that was the gist of it) because I had a boyfriend. And also because I like him so much I don't know what I would do if he touched me. Shauna says I don't have control enough to not do something with him, but I think I do. I don't know. I'm worried. I don't want to cheat on Matt, but I want to have fun with Josh rafting. I'm not sure what to do. :-(
Anyway, he fell in love with me, and he was perfect, sort of my dream guy, but he lives in Idaho. I fell for him too. I didn't cheat on Matt of course, but I really liked the guy. I've been IM-ing and emailing him since then.
So I invited him rafting, because my mom said I should. He'd come for a few days and stay in our trailor with us in Wyoming. Shauna has told me this is setting myself up for disaster. I like him and he likes me. But I told him he is coming as a friend, and he can't... touch me (I didn't say it exactly like that, but that was the gist of it) because I had a boyfriend. And also because I like him so much I don't know what I would do if he touched me. Shauna says I don't have control enough to not do something with him, but I think I do. I don't know. I'm worried. I don't want to cheat on Matt, but I want to have fun with Josh rafting. I'm not sure what to do. :-(
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
movies
Two or three years ago, I watched my first R-rated movie, Tears of the Sun. I'd seen violence before, but not like that... I watched African children get blown open with machine guns and cut open with machetes, and it was hard. I won't lie. I felt sick during it. I felt something naive in me shatter. I felt my childhood and ignorance slip away.
Yesterday I saw Hotel Rwanda, with similar results. I was angry, during it. It wasn't nearly as violent as Tears of the Sun so in that way it was easier. But it made me just as mad at the people that initiate genocide. And it made me angry at myself. When it was done, I turned to Shauna and said,
"It's so sad that to get Americans to even have one clue how close and horrible these things are you have to shock them out of their wits."
"Yeah," Shauna said, "and we watch these movies, and then we go and debate about them, like that's going to help. That's what makes me mad."
And I'm mad at myself for caring so much about myself and grades and such when things like that are happening all over the world, and I don't know nearly as much about them as I'd like to.
Yesterday I saw Hotel Rwanda, with similar results. I was angry, during it. It wasn't nearly as violent as Tears of the Sun so in that way it was easier. But it made me just as mad at the people that initiate genocide. And it made me angry at myself. When it was done, I turned to Shauna and said,
"It's so sad that to get Americans to even have one clue how close and horrible these things are you have to shock them out of their wits."
"Yeah," Shauna said, "and we watch these movies, and then we go and debate about them, like that's going to help. That's what makes me mad."
And I'm mad at myself for caring so much about myself and grades and such when things like that are happening all over the world, and I don't know nearly as much about them as I'd like to.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Still not good enough
I finished the Harry Potter book last night (or rather this morning) at 2:00 a.m. I am very upset with J.K. Rowling and am feeling rather murderous towards her at the moment. All I can say is she'd better get that seventh book written, and if she kills off anymore characters I am very fond of I will be even more upset than I am.
Today I had a tennis lesson... forehands and backhands were good, but I think I looked a bit like a dancing hippopotomus trying to hit those volleys and swinging wildly at (and missing) overhands. Oh well, it will come. Scott (the coach/teacher) said that if I just keep at it all year, I have a good chance of making varsity next spring.
I don't think I'm going to do soccer this year. I could probably make J.V., but I think I'm better at debate than I am at soccer, and I enjoy practices more. I love soccer games, I love them so much, but all we do at practices is run and get yelled at, so why torture myself for a few good moments in soccer when I can have months of good moments in debate? Even if I have a major losing streak in debate this year, I love it more than soccer.
Well I got home from tennis today and had an email from the Ayn Rand people... I wrote an essay way back in November I think on Anthem, and it was a really crappy essay, it did not deserve to see the light of day, but it was a finalist in the contest, top 150 out of 9,000, and I get some money, which is nice.
Writing awards won in the past two years:
-Got into Signatures to Big Sky or whatever it's called
-Got a poem published in an anthology (crappy one, but still)
-Novel won second in the nation in Scholastic contest (REALLY big deal)
-Letter to the Author contest, was a finalist in Montana (another really crappy job on that letter, but hey, if they liked it...)
-First Place in region for poetry, short story, and short short story in scholastic contest this year... my horrid novel did not win anything, but then again it really didn't deserve to, I need to burn it and forget I ever tried to write it... I've started on a different novel
-Ayn Rand essay contest finalist.
Okay, that's pretty cool, I'm getting the point that I should keep up with writing... over the past few years I've also won many awards in math (American math contest awards) a few in science (biology olympiad), some art awards (back in middle school), a bunch of music awards, spelling bees, and I am struggling to succeed in debate (may never happen, but like I said, debate is a kick-butt sport). All in all I've done pretty well. I only wish I was better at soccer. I'm getting there at tennis. Also, I don't believe I'll ever win anything in history/geography. That's Matt's stuff. He's good at it. REALLY good. He was a geography bee state champion two years I think in a row.
I AM SUCCESSFUL. I AM.
Why do I feel like I'm not good enough?
Today I had a tennis lesson... forehands and backhands were good, but I think I looked a bit like a dancing hippopotomus trying to hit those volleys and swinging wildly at (and missing) overhands. Oh well, it will come. Scott (the coach/teacher) said that if I just keep at it all year, I have a good chance of making varsity next spring.
I don't think I'm going to do soccer this year. I could probably make J.V., but I think I'm better at debate than I am at soccer, and I enjoy practices more. I love soccer games, I love them so much, but all we do at practices is run and get yelled at, so why torture myself for a few good moments in soccer when I can have months of good moments in debate? Even if I have a major losing streak in debate this year, I love it more than soccer.
Well I got home from tennis today and had an email from the Ayn Rand people... I wrote an essay way back in November I think on Anthem, and it was a really crappy essay, it did not deserve to see the light of day, but it was a finalist in the contest, top 150 out of 9,000, and I get some money, which is nice.
Writing awards won in the past two years:
-Got into Signatures to Big Sky or whatever it's called
-Got a poem published in an anthology (crappy one, but still)
-Novel won second in the nation in Scholastic contest (REALLY big deal)
-Letter to the Author contest, was a finalist in Montana (another really crappy job on that letter, but hey, if they liked it...)
-First Place in region for poetry, short story, and short short story in scholastic contest this year... my horrid novel did not win anything, but then again it really didn't deserve to, I need to burn it and forget I ever tried to write it... I've started on a different novel
-Ayn Rand essay contest finalist.
Okay, that's pretty cool, I'm getting the point that I should keep up with writing... over the past few years I've also won many awards in math (American math contest awards) a few in science (biology olympiad), some art awards (back in middle school), a bunch of music awards, spelling bees, and I am struggling to succeed in debate (may never happen, but like I said, debate is a kick-butt sport). All in all I've done pretty well. I only wish I was better at soccer. I'm getting there at tennis. Also, I don't believe I'll ever win anything in history/geography. That's Matt's stuff. He's good at it. REALLY good. He was a geography bee state champion two years I think in a row.
I AM SUCCESSFUL. I AM.
Why do I feel like I'm not good enough?
Sunday, July 17, 2005
six month anniversary, bands, Dumbledore
Today is my six month anniversary with Matt. Hmm... we couldn't do anything exciting because it's Sunday, but he did come to church with me and listen to boring old guys speak. Too bad he couldn't be there the third hour because I was feeling really spiritual.
I think I'm going to a Kelly Clarkson concert in Bozeman on September 1st, and I'm really excited. I've always wanted to go to a concert of a band... I don't particularly LOVE Kelly Clarkson, but she's okay, and she's better than nothing. I really want to see The Killers or Goo Goo Dolls or 3 Doors Down, but that probably won't happen. In seventh grade, I actually had a ticket to a Matchbox 20 concert, I could have gone with my brother, and I didn't, because I was stupid and didn't know who they were back then... How idiotic I was in my youth. :-P
Lauren was also going on to me today about Warped Tour, this band thing... she wants to go next year but she's worried about like drugs and stuff... but from what it sounds like, I don't care about the drugs, I really want to go next summer. Maybe we can go together... like my mom would ever let me. But Lauren will be 18... maybe my mom would let me go with her.
I'm over halfway through Harry Potter. It's really good, especially the love interests going on... I seem to be growing older with Harry, which is nice. In this book, we're both 16. I really like Dumbledore. If J.K. Rowling kills him off I will revolt. Matt (who has only read the first three books and was not obsessed with them like most normal people who've read them are) thinks that Harry will die in this book, and the seventh book will be titled Voldemort and the Destruction of the World, with the same lightning letters and everything in the title. I told him that's an interesting idea, but if Rowling killed off Harry in this book, she wouldn't live to write the seventh one.
Everytime I think about school starting again I have panic attacks and feel claustrophobic (I am hopelessly claustrophobic). Walls are closing in... summer is seeping away. I can't handle it. I love summer SO freaking much. I can't handle going back to school. I feel rather like I do when we run the mile in gym, on that last stretch... I want to collapse, but the end is in sight, so I sprint it, because I don't think I could make it if I didn't. So I'm sprinting to the finish. I feel like if I pause, I'll never make it. Gah... I hate pushing myself so hard.
I think I'm going to a Kelly Clarkson concert in Bozeman on September 1st, and I'm really excited. I've always wanted to go to a concert of a band... I don't particularly LOVE Kelly Clarkson, but she's okay, and she's better than nothing. I really want to see The Killers or Goo Goo Dolls or 3 Doors Down, but that probably won't happen. In seventh grade, I actually had a ticket to a Matchbox 20 concert, I could have gone with my brother, and I didn't, because I was stupid and didn't know who they were back then... How idiotic I was in my youth. :-P
Lauren was also going on to me today about Warped Tour, this band thing... she wants to go next year but she's worried about like drugs and stuff... but from what it sounds like, I don't care about the drugs, I really want to go next summer. Maybe we can go together... like my mom would ever let me. But Lauren will be 18... maybe my mom would let me go with her.
I'm over halfway through Harry Potter. It's really good, especially the love interests going on... I seem to be growing older with Harry, which is nice. In this book, we're both 16. I really like Dumbledore. If J.K. Rowling kills him off I will revolt. Matt (who has only read the first three books and was not obsessed with them like most normal people who've read them are) thinks that Harry will die in this book, and the seventh book will be titled Voldemort and the Destruction of the World, with the same lightning letters and everything in the title. I told him that's an interesting idea, but if Rowling killed off Harry in this book, she wouldn't live to write the seventh one.
Everytime I think about school starting again I have panic attacks and feel claustrophobic (I am hopelessly claustrophobic). Walls are closing in... summer is seeping away. I can't handle it. I love summer SO freaking much. I can't handle going back to school. I feel rather like I do when we run the mile in gym, on that last stretch... I want to collapse, but the end is in sight, so I sprint it, because I don't think I could make it if I didn't. So I'm sprinting to the finish. I feel like if I pause, I'll never make it. Gah... I hate pushing myself so hard.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
HBP
It's here, I'm holding it in my hands like a diamond or some other fantastic thing... I'm very, very excited. I've only read a chapter so far, but it was good...
I've also made the decision to get out there and try to publish my award-winning (Scholastic Young Writer's novel award, 2004) novel, Soda Pop, because I know it is good enough to be published, I just have to get around to it. I'm worried about my mom reading it though, because she might take it wrongly and be hurt by it (the mother in the book is rather messed up).
Oh well, I'll worry about that later, and tennis, I need to practice tennis... right now I need to read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
I've also made the decision to get out there and try to publish my award-winning (Scholastic Young Writer's novel award, 2004) novel, Soda Pop, because I know it is good enough to be published, I just have to get around to it. I'm worried about my mom reading it though, because she might take it wrongly and be hurt by it (the mother in the book is rather messed up).
Oh well, I'll worry about that later, and tennis, I need to practice tennis... right now I need to read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
coming out of it
I always come out of it hypomanic, crazy like this, too hyper, too happy, and sad underneath. I go to the store today and buy a mango. It feels like buying black leather or piercing my lip. It is something dangerous, something I have always wanted but never done. I've only had mango smoothies, dried mango in tough little strips. I stand there with my sad little basket full of dog food picking up mangos and smoothing my hands over them and I don't even know which ones are ripe, and that sort of naiveness tastes like metal. I pick a red one, squashy, that smiles a little like Mexico even though it left there a long time ago.
It tastes good. I don't really know how to eat it either so I slice it half way open and peel it with the carrot peeler. The pit is enormous. How stupid of me, to think a mango wouldn't have a pit. To think it was like a coconut, a seed of its own. The pit is shaped like a slice of metal, a bullet, something sharp. I stand there in the kitchen eating it, goofy, my dog sitting on my foot. I play Scrabble with my mom and lose by two points because ogle is spelled with only one g, and I was so sure of the two.
Bipolar is a hard thing to wrap your mind around. I write about it a lot. I am a writer at heart. I've written about five books. I want my writing to make you feel something, to force you to split yourself open and face something you've been ignoring. I do it to myself all the time, writing about bipolar. The fact remains, I am so scared of it. I was diagnosed in February of seventh grade, over three years ago. It still feels new to me, taking the pills, getting used to the rocking. I mean, I've had it since I was very little... well I've had it forever but it came out in me when I was little. My life like an anvil, smashing between two poles, never staying long enough in that crazy arc in the middle for me to understand, middle ground. Only those extremes. And it's hard to sit here and think about it still. Over two-thirds of people with Bipolar 1 commit suicide. That's a comforting statistic. I want so badly to not fit neatly into it. I want so badly to be in the 33 percent that fight it. It's so hard though, to remind myself (cruelly, sharply like that mango pit) that it is always there, it will always be there, forever, I will have to take the pills forever (nevermind all the other disorders that I have and the pills that moderate them), when I have kids it will still be there, and if I am irresponsible and don't take the medicine, it will dominate me, no matter what I have to live for and be healthy for, it will drag me down into its throes.
On Tuesday I slept over with people from my church at a church leader's house, and I hadn't taken my medicine for a few days becuase of everything, the laxatives, the overdose, the return of bulimia in harsh colors, and I begain panicking silently. I felt myself dissolving, I felt psychosis seeping in. I was paranoid and delusional and afraid and angry. Like I used to be in seventh grade before the lithium saved my life (and later while it ruined it). And I was reminded. That is what I have to return to. And today while I ate my mango: this is what I have to lose. All this.
Coming out of it, I'm always way too hopeful, and I always pray to God, let it stay this way. And it never does.
It tastes good. I don't really know how to eat it either so I slice it half way open and peel it with the carrot peeler. The pit is enormous. How stupid of me, to think a mango wouldn't have a pit. To think it was like a coconut, a seed of its own. The pit is shaped like a slice of metal, a bullet, something sharp. I stand there in the kitchen eating it, goofy, my dog sitting on my foot. I play Scrabble with my mom and lose by two points because ogle is spelled with only one g, and I was so sure of the two.
Bipolar is a hard thing to wrap your mind around. I write about it a lot. I am a writer at heart. I've written about five books. I want my writing to make you feel something, to force you to split yourself open and face something you've been ignoring. I do it to myself all the time, writing about bipolar. The fact remains, I am so scared of it. I was diagnosed in February of seventh grade, over three years ago. It still feels new to me, taking the pills, getting used to the rocking. I mean, I've had it since I was very little... well I've had it forever but it came out in me when I was little. My life like an anvil, smashing between two poles, never staying long enough in that crazy arc in the middle for me to understand, middle ground. Only those extremes. And it's hard to sit here and think about it still. Over two-thirds of people with Bipolar 1 commit suicide. That's a comforting statistic. I want so badly to not fit neatly into it. I want so badly to be in the 33 percent that fight it. It's so hard though, to remind myself (cruelly, sharply like that mango pit) that it is always there, it will always be there, forever, I will have to take the pills forever (nevermind all the other disorders that I have and the pills that moderate them), when I have kids it will still be there, and if I am irresponsible and don't take the medicine, it will dominate me, no matter what I have to live for and be healthy for, it will drag me down into its throes.
On Tuesday I slept over with people from my church at a church leader's house, and I hadn't taken my medicine for a few days becuase of everything, the laxatives, the overdose, the return of bulimia in harsh colors, and I begain panicking silently. I felt myself dissolving, I felt psychosis seeping in. I was paranoid and delusional and afraid and angry. Like I used to be in seventh grade before the lithium saved my life (and later while it ruined it). And I was reminded. That is what I have to return to. And today while I ate my mango: this is what I have to lose. All this.
Coming out of it, I'm always way too hopeful, and I always pray to God, let it stay this way. And it never does.
ACT's
I don't remember if I complained about this yet, but I got home from Europe and I was all sleepy and tired and my ACT scores had come from when I took them on June 11. And I got a 32 composite score. And I need a 34 to get a scholarship. I want a 35. I want to believe I am smart enough to be capable of that but I'm not. I just need a 34. So I was sad. I can take them next year, and my senior year, and hopefully by then I will get my 34.
My scores:
English: 36
Math: 28 (this brought me down. And you know what I did worst in? PRE-ALGEBRA! Meaning I made stupid mistakes like adding and subtracting because I'm special like that! And I'm good at math, maybe being in my second year of calculus made it harder, because the ACT's are all basic math... but I did well in trig and geometry so I'm proud of that)
Reading: 33
Science: 30
I'm actually really ticked off at myself, I know I can do better!
My scores:
English: 36
Math: 28 (this brought me down. And you know what I did worst in? PRE-ALGEBRA! Meaning I made stupid mistakes like adding and subtracting because I'm special like that! And I'm good at math, maybe being in my second year of calculus made it harder, because the ACT's are all basic math... but I did well in trig and geometry so I'm proud of that)
Reading: 33
Science: 30
I'm actually really ticked off at myself, I know I can do better!
the right thing?
There is a truth. There is a truth. And what you want, or what you feel, or you need, isn't going to change the truth. Any more than it's going to topple a skyscraper. There's truth, and there's belief. Don't call a mule a stallion.
(From What Happened to Lani Garver, which is a really, really good book I've read like five times).
Yesterday, after I finally quit feeling dizzy, out of it, and, well, high, from the drug overdose (lithium, welbutrin, lexapro) I went to my mother. And I told her that I was having thoughts of slipping back into the bulimia, and that I wanted to lose five pounds the right way, by dieting/exercise, and weigh 105, and be comfortable and in control without throwing up or taking laxatives or anything of that sort.
I guess it was the right thing to do? I don't know I sensed myself slipping majorly... it didn't take much to sense I suppose, it was pretty obvious, and at first I just wanted to let it happen, but now I'm not so sure, there's got to be a better way to do this, there has to be a better way to live and have control, there has to be a truth out there...
(From What Happened to Lani Garver, which is a really, really good book I've read like five times).
Yesterday, after I finally quit feeling dizzy, out of it, and, well, high, from the drug overdose (lithium, welbutrin, lexapro) I went to my mother. And I told her that I was having thoughts of slipping back into the bulimia, and that I wanted to lose five pounds the right way, by dieting/exercise, and weigh 105, and be comfortable and in control without throwing up or taking laxatives or anything of that sort.
I guess it was the right thing to do? I don't know I sensed myself slipping majorly... it didn't take much to sense I suppose, it was pretty obvious, and at first I just wanted to let it happen, but now I'm not so sure, there's got to be a better way to do this, there has to be a better way to live and have control, there has to be a truth out there...
Monday, July 11, 2005
Sunday, July 10, 2005
on a lighter note... i'm ecstatic
THE SIXTH HARRY POTTER COMES OUT IN SIX DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am SO excited... I reserved it at Walden Books... When I was in sixth grade I was confused and sort of "popular", so I hated all my friends and they hated me and we were always going behind each other's backs and stealing boyfriends and such, and I was so confused and lonely, and my mom was hitting me so much and my whole family hated me and my grandma even hit me, and I just read those four books over and over again...
I first read them in fourth grade, and there were only three, and nobody knew about them and I loved them then, and then they got popular...
I love reading so much. I'm a nerd I suppose when it comes down to it... I don't really act like one at school, but I love reading and calculus and science and writing and politics and government and history...
I still want to fit in very badly. Probably more than I should.
My six month anniversary with Matt is on Sunday, no problems yet... we're still good...
I am SO excited... I reserved it at Walden Books... When I was in sixth grade I was confused and sort of "popular", so I hated all my friends and they hated me and we were always going behind each other's backs and stealing boyfriends and such, and I was so confused and lonely, and my mom was hitting me so much and my whole family hated me and my grandma even hit me, and I just read those four books over and over again...
I first read them in fourth grade, and there were only three, and nobody knew about them and I loved them then, and then they got popular...
I love reading so much. I'm a nerd I suppose when it comes down to it... I don't really act like one at school, but I love reading and calculus and science and writing and politics and government and history...
I still want to fit in very badly. Probably more than I should.
My six month anniversary with Matt is on Sunday, no problems yet... we're still good...
Saturday, July 09, 2005
ack
We have so many drugs in our house, and there has to be something that can make me throw up better than lithium... and it's not just throwing up, I just feeling like taking things, seeing what they do, if they help... I dunno... I suppose that's doing drugs, isn't it?
I don't care... I want to try them all. Experiment. There's so many lying around.
I don't care... I want to try them all. Experiment. There's so many lying around.
screwed up
Wow I feel horrible for posting this, but I need somewhere to be completely honest... and I've sort of slipped back into some bulimia things, and my gosh it feel so good. I feel SO much more in control of myself and my life. I need control so badly. I give up a lesser control to addiction to a greater control over myself.
Reading over that, I know it's all crap, and people would tell me it's not true, but no one can say I didn't try, didn't go months eating 1000 calories a day, gaining weight, feeling miserable, happy, and out of control. And I make a choice between them, between being happy and eating and unhappy and not, and I choose the second because what I want most isn't happiness, it's control. Wow, it's a good thing I am not a communist leader.
Well, I'm falling apart, and I'm depressed and incredibly nostalgic and it feels so so so so so good... and I remember that door slammed in my face, and I know that I'm being stupid, but I guess you go past the point of caring, it just happens sometimes.
Reading over that, I know it's all crap, and people would tell me it's not true, but no one can say I didn't try, didn't go months eating 1000 calories a day, gaining weight, feeling miserable, happy, and out of control. And I make a choice between them, between being happy and eating and unhappy and not, and I choose the second because what I want most isn't happiness, it's control. Wow, it's a good thing I am not a communist leader.
Well, I'm falling apart, and I'm depressed and incredibly nostalgic and it feels so so so so so good... and I remember that door slammed in my face, and I know that I'm being stupid, but I guess you go past the point of caring, it just happens sometimes.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Europe
Ireland/England/Wales was awesome but I'm glad to be home... we had to travel for about 28 hours yesterday (and the day before???), and it was July fourth for 31 hours, and it was 3:00 p.m. three times and I was so confused. On the final one hour flight, after about 25 hours of airplanes and airports (the flight from Shannon to Dublin to Atlanta was TEN HOURS long) I decided I was very awake and wouldn't be able to sleep, but as soon as the plane took off I was totally out ontil the pilot said we were making our initial descent. Travelling disorients and confuses me so much... I never want to get on a plane again!
Castles were pretty... London was awesome. It was great and I enjoyed myself but I was also having a really hard time. I was eating a lot (it turns out I didn't gain any weight, but that's not really what matters), and I still am and it's nice and all but I feel out of control and I really want my eating disorder back. Me and some other girls on the trip got into a discussion about eating disorders (I didn't bring it up I'm not that brave), and I was talking about this year and how horrible it has been, but how I need the bulimia, and this girl (who shall remain nameless) yelled at me, "YOU ARE SO STUPID!" and slammed the door and ran out of the room into the rain (it was always raining in Ireland). Everyone else just sat there staring stupidly at each other, shocked, but I felt so good... I've needed to get yelled at like that so long, the door slammed in my face... I know I'm a selfish b*tch, but I needed to be told that. People need to stop telling me it's okay that I did what I did because it wasn't.
I've been kinda depressed lately and I'm still struggling with the eating and everything right now, but that helped so much, to be told that. I really am stupid. I'm an idiot for doing this. I think that's a first step, hearing that, admitting it, letting it be true.
I SEE MATT AT 4!!! AND SHAUNA TONIGHT!!! man I've missed my friends so much, mostly Matt and Shauna and Olivia and JoJoJoAnna. (I can see your reply if you ever read this).
Castles were pretty... London was awesome. It was great and I enjoyed myself but I was also having a really hard time. I was eating a lot (it turns out I didn't gain any weight, but that's not really what matters), and I still am and it's nice and all but I feel out of control and I really want my eating disorder back. Me and some other girls on the trip got into a discussion about eating disorders (I didn't bring it up I'm not that brave), and I was talking about this year and how horrible it has been, but how I need the bulimia, and this girl (who shall remain nameless) yelled at me, "YOU ARE SO STUPID!" and slammed the door and ran out of the room into the rain (it was always raining in Ireland). Everyone else just sat there staring stupidly at each other, shocked, but I felt so good... I've needed to get yelled at like that so long, the door slammed in my face... I know I'm a selfish b*tch, but I needed to be told that. People need to stop telling me it's okay that I did what I did because it wasn't.
I've been kinda depressed lately and I'm still struggling with the eating and everything right now, but that helped so much, to be told that. I really am stupid. I'm an idiot for doing this. I think that's a first step, hearing that, admitting it, letting it be true.
I SEE MATT AT 4!!! AND SHAUNA TONIGHT!!! man I've missed my friends so much, mostly Matt and Shauna and Olivia and JoJoJoAnna. (I can see your reply if you ever read this).
Thursday, June 23, 2005
off now
Well I'm leaving for Great Falls and then I am going to fly to London tomorrow. I will be in Europe for ten days, then home for a day on the 5th, which I hope to spend with Matt, and then off to a church camp for a few days until like the 9th. Then I'll be home for two weeks before I'm off rafting and to a seminar thing affiliated with the drug program my brother was in for years. I guess my parents think it will help me emotionally.
The only depressing thing is a few years ago my parents and my brother said, "Lindsay will never have to go to that seminar." Now they've signed me up for it.
Oh well. Things changed. I screwed up. Life goes on (thank gosh... I almost thought it wouldn't for a while).
Well, I'm off to have a horrible time in England, Ireland, and Whales...
The only depressing thing is a few years ago my parents and my brother said, "Lindsay will never have to go to that seminar." Now they've signed me up for it.
Oh well. Things changed. I screwed up. Life goes on (thank gosh... I almost thought it wouldn't for a while).
Well, I'm off to have a horrible time in England, Ireland, and Whales...
numb
I've become so numb...
I was trying to figure out how I feel when I realized that was just it- I'm not feeling right now. I'm very numb.
It's all right when it's me having the pity party, moaning about the past and how alone I feel, but it was almost worse to realize I'm not alone because I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. I feel... selfish. Stupid. Angry. Mostly numb though.
Stupid world! Why do you have to do that to people? The best people, you just light them on fire when they're young and spend years trying to snap them in two!
GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY?!!!!!!!!!
I just want everyone to be happy! (Better punishment of parole violators and world peace, right?)
I want everyone that's hurt, that's been violated, that's been wronged to realize... they're human. That's really it I guess. They're human and their bodies are human and if they don't want to, they don't have to be a slave to their emotions anymore. All my depressed friends. Everyone.
I was trying to figure out how I feel when I realized that was just it- I'm not feeling right now. I'm very numb.
It's all right when it's me having the pity party, moaning about the past and how alone I feel, but it was almost worse to realize I'm not alone because I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. I feel... selfish. Stupid. Angry. Mostly numb though.
Stupid world! Why do you have to do that to people? The best people, you just light them on fire when they're young and spend years trying to snap them in two!
GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY?!!!!!!!!!
I just want everyone to be happy! (Better punishment of parole violators and world peace, right?)
I want everyone that's hurt, that's been violated, that's been wronged to realize... they're human. That's really it I guess. They're human and their bodies are human and if they don't want to, they don't have to be a slave to their emotions anymore. All my depressed friends. Everyone.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
spill
Three posts in a day... I haven't done that since January. Gosh I'm a freak. I kinda quit writing in this because nobody reads it... nobody ever reads it. And that was okay, it started as some weird perverse self-discovery thing in an attempt to quit making myself throw up all the time, and it sort of worked and sort of didn't. But I look at people, lots of my friends, who have these big public blogs and I wonder if I even have enough friends to post a single comment and I wonder if I have enough guts to slit myself open to the world and all my friends like that. I haven't really talked to anyone about myself at all in a year. Besides Amanda. Everything just is hibernating inside of me, and I kinda feel like I got of a train that my friends were all on and nobody noticed I'm gone and it's still going a long ways away and it's too late to run screaming after it and was I ever brave enough anyway?
I feel like I'm slipping into the cracks. Like everyone has forgotten I exist. When I'm with my friends, I analyze everything I do and I realize I must be annoying. I annoy the he** out of myself. I just want to spare them the misery of being with me.
Tonight I wanted to overdose again on anything because I've gained two pounds and I don't understand, all I ate today was cereal and a piece of bread. LIFE MAKES NO SENSE. I am SO FREAKING FRUSTERATED WITH MY WEIGHT!!!! That and the self injury are what's left, the remnants of a healing, an exorcism. I've managed to regain control and self confidence in my careful medicated (Lithium, Seraquel, Welbutrin) existance, but I still flounder in the bulimia and the cutting. There is a cut on my leg only beginning to heal. And I didn't regret it like I said everything fell apart when my aunt went to the hospital.
A year ago today in a few weeks my dad tried to kill himself. And I tried to talk to him about it in the car the other day, and he said he really did want to die. And I exhausted so much strength in bringing up the topic that I couldn't say "WHAT ABOUT ME???? SCREW YOU YOU ALMOST LEFT ME BEHIND!!!!" because I'm finally beginning to realize, I really am mad, I really am.
I'm doing better than I was I suppose, I don't want to kill myself like I did. I feel so alone though. Nobody knew I was taking all those pills, nobody knew I was cutting my wrists, nobody knew how sick I felt as I sprawled over the toilet every Sunday to purge the binge... nobody knows how unclean I feel when I eat, when I realize I've gained more weight. I've made SO much progress, I don't want to turn back, but it has been months since it all crashed and I'm still having so much trouble with the eating! It used to be so natural, and now it's so unnatural it drives me INSANE.
Here's what I'm complaining about... nobody knows anything about me anymore. And when I used to tell people, I was too intense, too painful. Now I'm a pathetic creature having a pity part in a blog that nobody reads or knows exists.
crap life. fine. in english. it's better in spanish or german. viva mierda. schiest (sp?) life.
I feel like I'm slipping into the cracks. Like everyone has forgotten I exist. When I'm with my friends, I analyze everything I do and I realize I must be annoying. I annoy the he** out of myself. I just want to spare them the misery of being with me.
Tonight I wanted to overdose again on anything because I've gained two pounds and I don't understand, all I ate today was cereal and a piece of bread. LIFE MAKES NO SENSE. I am SO FREAKING FRUSTERATED WITH MY WEIGHT!!!! That and the self injury are what's left, the remnants of a healing, an exorcism. I've managed to regain control and self confidence in my careful medicated (Lithium, Seraquel, Welbutrin) existance, but I still flounder in the bulimia and the cutting. There is a cut on my leg only beginning to heal. And I didn't regret it like I said everything fell apart when my aunt went to the hospital.
A year ago today in a few weeks my dad tried to kill himself. And I tried to talk to him about it in the car the other day, and he said he really did want to die. And I exhausted so much strength in bringing up the topic that I couldn't say "WHAT ABOUT ME???? SCREW YOU YOU ALMOST LEFT ME BEHIND!!!!" because I'm finally beginning to realize, I really am mad, I really am.
I'm doing better than I was I suppose, I don't want to kill myself like I did. I feel so alone though. Nobody knew I was taking all those pills, nobody knew I was cutting my wrists, nobody knew how sick I felt as I sprawled over the toilet every Sunday to purge the binge... nobody knows how unclean I feel when I eat, when I realize I've gained more weight. I've made SO much progress, I don't want to turn back, but it has been months since it all crashed and I'm still having so much trouble with the eating! It used to be so natural, and now it's so unnatural it drives me INSANE.
Here's what I'm complaining about... nobody knows anything about me anymore. And when I used to tell people, I was too intense, too painful. Now I'm a pathetic creature having a pity part in a blog that nobody reads or knows exists.
crap life. fine. in english. it's better in spanish or german. viva mierda. schiest (sp?) life.
confused
What confuses me most are people that are depressed and aren't. That even sounds confusing. What confuses me is people that always act really happy when you're with them, but you know that even as they're acting really happy, they're actually incredibly depressed. It screws with your head. You want to believe that they're being real when they're with you, but you know you'd be an optimistic idiot to believe that. You want them to be happy, but you'll never know if they are or not unless you stumble upon something they've written or something.
OH GOSH TODAY I'M JUST CONFUSED WITH LIFE!!!!
and not even close to done packing...
OH GOSH TODAY I'M JUST CONFUSED WITH LIFE!!!!
and not even close to done packing...
fun?
What a novel idea. I am still occasionally shocked that I am still capable of having fun, even with how serious I've become... WAY too serious. Like spongebob... thank gosh he still makes me laugh with his stupidity, because it's gotten so with stuff like Spongebob I just think it's stupid and I'm too good for it or something and I hate that, the way I've shrugged off anything worthwhile in the idiot world.
Well Siobhan and JoAnna and Emma and me did the shaving cream thing... I was really worried they wouldn't like it but they did. And then we went iceblocking and to coffee, and this old man was asking us how we managed to get our butts and hair wet (the hair was just shaving cream). I hope that maybe I made them a little happier, a little less stressed, that's all I really wanted, I love them so much.
I've been talking to Josh all day and I hope I can help him too.
Well I need to go pretend to pack again... I'm not very successful but I've gotten a few clothes in my suitcase.
Well Siobhan and JoAnna and Emma and me did the shaving cream thing... I was really worried they wouldn't like it but they did. And then we went iceblocking and to coffee, and this old man was asking us how we managed to get our butts and hair wet (the hair was just shaving cream). I hope that maybe I made them a little happier, a little less stressed, that's all I really wanted, I love them so much.
I've been talking to Josh all day and I hope I can help him too.
Well I need to go pretend to pack again... I'm not very successful but I've gotten a few clothes in my suitcase.
Monday, June 20, 2005
summer... why does it hurt so bad?
I need to start writing again. I think that every time I stop writing I start floating away. The letter came from Scholastic. A form letter. I didn't write this year and maybe that's why I'm losing everything. The words won't come. I've lost it.
I went to Civitan. Jane was there. It hurt because of that. It hurt even though I flirted with an angel, it hurt even though i ate rhubarb pie one night and didn't puke. It hurt because no matter where I went she was there and I couldn't forget middle school, that first day I saw her, and she was so broken by Las Vegas. How could we have had it in us to fix her? How could she have it in her to break us?
On the way home, we were all there, and Jay who I loved in seventh grade, and I was so happy, remembering Josh, the boy that loved me, thinking of Matt, the boy I love, but I felt so empty and aching and I realized it's because nothing's infinite anymore. In sixth grade when everyone hated me it was okay because things were so huge, and I wasn't even 12 and I got straight A's without caring. And now everything is so small... Jane is leaving, and I can't stop remembering the pizza, the phone calls, the water fights, the games of mafia, Pily's accent... it's a big tornado in my head of the things that I loved that I lost and I can't stop it and should I blame Jane? Is it really her fault?
My gosh I forgot to talk about prom in my haste to fall apart... It was wonderful. I may have been beautiful or ugly it didn't matter. He kept kissing me and making me feel alive and there and we were running from Mr. George the math teacher, I swear he was stalking us. The water came out of fountains and there were mints in the bathrooms and strawberries on a humongous platter and could I ever be that happy again, even if i tried? I'm not a huge fan of PDA but everyone was kissing and i felt safe kissing Matt, and not dirty for once.
Summer came like rain when I was blistered and dehydrated and Siobhan and JoAnna and Emma and Kyrstin and me drove almost to Butte and then back past Boulder to a place where we roasted marshmallows and I filmed and we all laughed, and I wondered how many of us were actually happy? Kyrstin, Emma maybe. I was happy, but I was all empty again, I get like that when I'm happy, because I know I'm going to lose it, because we're all graduating in two years and leaving each other like Jane is leaving me now. I wonder if I'm breaking anything the way Jane did? I wonder if I could try, just for a day, to be totally happy like I was at the prom, and not think about the finiteness of my life, the necessity of death? Virginia Woolf mentions it in Mrs. Dalloway, something about did it not become comforting to know that death comes absolutely? There's an end, there's always and end and I am so morbid that that's all I can think of with happiness, when finally everything is in its place and I love Matt and Josh loves me and I love all my suffering friends and my period came back, and all I can think is, does it not become horrible, to know, that all this must end?
I went to Civitan. Jane was there. It hurt because of that. It hurt even though I flirted with an angel, it hurt even though i ate rhubarb pie one night and didn't puke. It hurt because no matter where I went she was there and I couldn't forget middle school, that first day I saw her, and she was so broken by Las Vegas. How could we have had it in us to fix her? How could she have it in her to break us?
On the way home, we were all there, and Jay who I loved in seventh grade, and I was so happy, remembering Josh, the boy that loved me, thinking of Matt, the boy I love, but I felt so empty and aching and I realized it's because nothing's infinite anymore. In sixth grade when everyone hated me it was okay because things were so huge, and I wasn't even 12 and I got straight A's without caring. And now everything is so small... Jane is leaving, and I can't stop remembering the pizza, the phone calls, the water fights, the games of mafia, Pily's accent... it's a big tornado in my head of the things that I loved that I lost and I can't stop it and should I blame Jane? Is it really her fault?
My gosh I forgot to talk about prom in my haste to fall apart... It was wonderful. I may have been beautiful or ugly it didn't matter. He kept kissing me and making me feel alive and there and we were running from Mr. George the math teacher, I swear he was stalking us. The water came out of fountains and there were mints in the bathrooms and strawberries on a humongous platter and could I ever be that happy again, even if i tried? I'm not a huge fan of PDA but everyone was kissing and i felt safe kissing Matt, and not dirty for once.
Summer came like rain when I was blistered and dehydrated and Siobhan and JoAnna and Emma and Kyrstin and me drove almost to Butte and then back past Boulder to a place where we roasted marshmallows and I filmed and we all laughed, and I wondered how many of us were actually happy? Kyrstin, Emma maybe. I was happy, but I was all empty again, I get like that when I'm happy, because I know I'm going to lose it, because we're all graduating in two years and leaving each other like Jane is leaving me now. I wonder if I'm breaking anything the way Jane did? I wonder if I could try, just for a day, to be totally happy like I was at the prom, and not think about the finiteness of my life, the necessity of death? Virginia Woolf mentions it in Mrs. Dalloway, something about did it not become comforting to know that death comes absolutely? There's an end, there's always and end and I am so morbid that that's all I can think of with happiness, when finally everything is in its place and I love Matt and Josh loves me and I love all my suffering friends and my period came back, and all I can think is, does it not become horrible, to know, that all this must end?
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
no no no
my aunt is dying. herpes in her brain... the EEG's look bad they're not sure if she's gonna make it.
i keep remembering rafting with her that one time when she had the panic attack in the single inflatable kayak, and i was scared but i got in it so she could be with my mom in the two man. doesn't seem like much but it was a big deal then.
and now she doesn't recognize me and is speaking gibberish and may die.
mierda life.
i keep remembering rafting with her that one time when she had the panic attack in the single inflatable kayak, and i was scared but i got in it so she could be with my mom in the two man. doesn't seem like much but it was a big deal then.
and now she doesn't recognize me and is speaking gibberish and may die.
mierda life.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
falling apart again... *sigh*
I've held myself together for four months. I've been really happy, in fact. But all of a sudden everything is falling apart again. For four months I didn't harm myself in any way... now I'm losing it again. I'm losing control to gain control.
Life's a stupid freaking paradox.
I've got to hold myself together!
Life's a stupid freaking paradox.
I've got to hold myself together!
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