I wish I understood what was wrong with me at the moment. I was so panicky and anxious again today I felt like I was on speed or something (not that I've ever tried speed... sounds interesting though). And in English I did the best out of everyone on my grammar test, and this girl next to me was crying because she flunked it, and I really, for a moment, intensely hated myself for always doing the best... 9 times out of 10 in all my classes I'm either the top score or the second top. It really, really annoys me. I just try to do my best. I don't want to try to do any worse. But I don't want to consistently do better than anyone else either. I started crying too. I couldn't help it.
And then we corrected this comma worksheet and I got a 90 because of a stupid mistake (B) and I totally beat myself up. When am I going to allow myself to be good enough for myself? And that scratch on my arm, I kept looking at it, kept saying, that's enough, this is enough, you don't need anymore. Do I?
At debate I didn't understand myself either. I'm so paranoid or something that I'll do horrible and Will will totally pass me up, which is totally irrational. I'm just scared of getting kicked off varsity. Amanda told me that too was irrational, as Brittany and I would always be the top two, but I was scared... what about the governor's kid who just had to move here? What if she abandons Brittany and me for the new novices? And how in the world will I ever be able to debate Nick, who is my friend, but who I have lately (as in the past year) been arguing with all the time for no reason just because I'm a jerk?
I don't know I don't know.
Mom called me a dilatant... that's definitely not the worst thing she's called me lately though. But I don't think it's true... I love debate and tennis so much, but more than anything debate. I'd die for debate to exist. I love it so much. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I live and go to school for debate. Brittany agrees with me on that one. I think we're both a bit nervous about being abandoned. I'm sure it's irrational. It's odd how I can be so rational about how irrational I am. A talent I guess.
Also my mom told me I'm getting "tubby"... I wanted to scream at her "NO I'M NOT!" probably because it is true, I have gained two pounds. I really need to lose that. I actually want to lose six pounds but I don't trust myself to start dieting because I get so carried away and I don't want to slide back into bulimia.
I want to go on an ice cream diet, gain fifty pounds. I could never handle that of course but I found out long ago the only way to fight my mom or get back at her is passive aggression.
What she said about me being tubby really hit a button though. Maybe I should start eating less. Maybe I should stop eating so much breakfast, and stop eating lunch entirely, and just eat dinner like last year.
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2 comments:
Gaining two pounds equals "tubby"? WTF -- I don't even know where to start ...
I wish your mum wouldn't say the things she says to you. There is no way I could talk to my daughter like that.
You sound like an intelligent person. I reluctantly want to label you, however, you do sound like a perfectionist. How about channelling some of that perfectionism into choosing appropriate nutrition - how about seeing a nutrionist? Show your mum how assertive you really can be. Best of all, show yourself.
Try not to take your mum seriously. For every negative comment, come back at yourself with 2 or 3 positive ones. You'll be surprised on how much impact positive thinking can make. Afterall, I think you realise how much impact negative thinking can make. It's all about choices. You are smart. Ignore your mum. Make the positive choices. Healthy nutrition can also lift your levels of serotonin - your happy hormone. Good luck!!!!
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