I do believe I will go crazy any moment. My mom has been so horrible yesterday and today. I think maybe she's changed/forgotten her medication, but it would be suicidal to ask her. She has been yelling at me all day, and sent me to the store four times while I was trying to do my homework to get her pop while she was lounging about watching TV.
She always mimics me (and it sounds nothing like me, she just sounds stupid but it makes me so mad), and laughs when I am very angry (when she doesn't yell or call me a bitch). I have told her for years that that just makes the situation worse because it really presses my buttons, but she's never been open to it or agreed to try to stop or anything.
I just feel so angry right now. I feel like either throwing myself off a cliff or punching my mom's face in. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel like cutting, but I won't, because I know I can get through this without it. I hate anger. I just get so mad at my mom. Sometimes I just want so, so badly to hurt her the way she's hurt me. Not necessarily physically, although I have those fantasies. No, she's hurt me way, way worse emotionally and mentally. That's how I want to destroy her. Make her feel as angry and hurt and beat up emotionally as she's made me feel. Reduce her to what she so often reduces me to. See how she feels when someone laughs in her face when she's crying and trying to talk calmly. Imitate her in high pitched voices. When she's very mad and screaming at me, make her sit on a chair for two hours without talking or making noises (noises mean more time). Make fun of her with my grandma while she is upset and needs validation. Scream at her that she is a bitch and has ruined my life. Tell her she can never do some things because she is not good enough. Make her do all of the cleaning. Tell her she's a hypochondriac and is making things up. Ass bitch little shit jerk. And I guess hit her. Hit her hit her hit her, shake her, slap her.
These are all things she has regularly done to me. I can't really imagine doing them to her, but when I am mad, they are so appealing. I know that I am the one that is allowing her to still make me angry with these (and more that I didn't mention) devastating things. But how can I not? How can I not let her get to me when she has been emotionally destroying me my whole life?
Some days she's so much better. Some days it's like all this progress we've both made never happened.
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Yeah, I guess you're right... that's part of why I have been trying so hard not to cut, not to throw up or do drugs etc., is to prove to them they cannot shake me, that somehow I will end up better than that... it's hard, though, at the time, with all that anger.
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